vows

I wrote out my vows to Ian today. On Sunday we are getting married. I am so extremely blessed to be with such an amazing man. I started crying while I wrote them and found myself thanking God for bringing him into my life. I don't think I've "arrived." I don't think I ever will "arrive" however today I couldn't do anything else but thank God for answering my prayers. I always hoped for, wished for, prayed for "him." Today I was able to truly say and see one of the deepest desires of my heart be answered.

Friday morning I'm moving to Syracuse. I never thought I would subject myself to 3 feet of snow and here I am...my room is all packed. I wouldn't move for anyone else. As scared as I am I know that Ian is who I've been looking for and Syracuse (although it WILL NOT be easy) is where the both of us need to be. I'm so excited to begin our lives together and experience the story that we live out together. I'm excited to be a wife (hopefully I'll be good at it...the cooking is a whole different story). Once I'm settled in I plan on updating this more often. So stay tuned!

Don't worry little lamb.

John 10:7-18

⁷Therefore Jesus said again, "I tell you the truth, I am the gate for the sheep. ⁸All who ever came before me were thieves and robbers, but the sheep did not listen to them. ⁹I am the gate; whoever enters through me will be saved. He will come in and go out, and find pasture. ¹⁰The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.
 ¹¹"I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep. ¹²The hired hand is not the shepherd who owns the sheep. So when he sees the wolf coming, he abandons the sheep and runs away. Then the wolf attacks the flock and scatters it. ¹³The man runs away because he is a hired hand and cares nothing for the sheep.
 ¹⁴"I am the good shepherd; I know my sheep and my sheep know me— ¹⁵just as the Father knows me and I know the Father—and I lay down my life for the sheep. ¹⁶I have other sheep that are not of this sheep pen. I must bring them also. They too will listen to my voice, and there shall be one flock and one shepherd. ¹⁷The reason my Father loves me is that I lay down my life—only to take it up again. ¹⁸No one takes it from me, but I lay it down of my own accord. I have authority to lay it down and authority to take it up again. This command I received from my Father."

Til we get hitched~

 

simplify

I just want to to simplify everything. I hate when things are over-complicated for no apparent reason. Sometimes I do this with God. I do this in my relationships and when I get stressed.

I am preparing for a wedding and the thing that I love most besides the fact that I'm marrying my best friend is that we both like to keep things simple. Neither of us like things over the top (thank God because a groomzilla is not attractive). Not only are we getting married but I'm moving up to Syracuse. I've lived in my room since I was about 10. That's a good 13 years worth of crap in here. Now I'm no hoader (secretly I am obsessed with those TV shows) but I do have a lot of stuff. Last week I donated four bags of clothes and shoes that I haven't worn probably since high school. I also gave my sister my desk which forced me to go through my drawers and purge whatever I could. As overwhelming as it is I love being in my room now. It is no where near completed but my drawers are dissolving and it will be a lot easier when I need to pack.

I also have a problem with wishing my life away. I set deadlines, or goals and wish for them to get here sooner. For example, the second I start to drive back to Long Island after leaving Ian I begin focusing on the next time I see him. I don't think it's wrong, I love him and just want to be with him. But I find myself wishing that the time would speed up and sometimes I miss what is going on right now. I don't think God wants us wishing our lives away. I remember being a kid and wishing I could turn 13. Believe me, that's one wish I shouldn't have made. I mean really...13? What an awkward time to want to arrive at. Either way I think simplicity frees my mind to put things into perspective and enjoy life where I am at...as hard as it is.

in the sun, thunder, and rain

I am extremely frustrated lately with traffic. Since I live on (or in for those not from here) Long Island I am plagued with the fact that working 9 to 5 is absolutely obnoxious because of rush hour traffic. The LIE is continually backed up, and a trip that should take 15-20 minutes turns into 1 hour or longer depending on the day. This is a rant. I realize this. I cannot stand it, but hear me out, I'm not discounting any other location and the traffic you'll find there. I am just fed up with Long Island traffic.

Someone told me a story today about how he was sitting in stand-still traffic on the LIE when the driver in the car in front of him got out of his truck. The man strutted straight up to the person telling me the story and tapped on the window. He began to curse out and scream that he was cut-off (now remember...stand-still traffic...no one is moving). My friend stayed in his car and suggested that the guy got back in his truck where his son was eagerly watching. The irate truck-driver continued to scream and began threatening, explaining he would follow him home. He eventually got back in his truck and pretended to follow for a couple miles...traffic.

Now I'm not blaming that guy's anger management issues on the LIE, however I can see where he may begin to lose it. Sometimes while I'm sitting there I wish I could be in a plane looking at the miles and miles of ant-sized cars all backed up. It's kind of sad to think that most people in this work caravan can't stand their jobs. Most are working paycheck to paycheck. Many are thankful they have at least something. I sit there knowing there's more, yet the bills need to be paid.

I've always had a hard time with balancing practicality and spirituality. In my heart I'm signing up for risks and in my head I'm talking myself out of them. This morning started very similar. It felt like another monotonous Wednesday as I forced myself out of bed. I stuck with my morning routine and left earlier than my usual time trying to beat the traffic. Travel coffee cup in hand I merged onto the good ole LIE. The sky was blue and the traffic update stated the usual, "Delays to Exit..." The bumper car game started and the sky was no longer blue. Storm clouds rolled overhead and the raindrops began. They soon fell harder and faster and next thing I knew I was in the middle of a torrential downpour. Behind me were blue skies, off in the distance I could see it clearing. Just in my present location I was being drowned. Lightning bolts darted around and the thunder shook the pavement.

In all the commotion I felt super close to God. I felt him leading me on, reminding me of what lies ahead. I won't always be stuck. Within 10 minutes the rain passed and the sun was shining. I didn't have a spectacular day and it wasn't dramatically altered. However I did feel God close to me, and what can be more important than that?

Christie

Christie: "I connected Blogger to my http://flavors.me page - http://flavors.me/christiexlynn"

dress me in love.

Last night I picked out my wedding gown. It is absolutely beautiful and I cannot wait to wear it on our special day. My mom, sister and best friend were there for moral support. They encouraged me that I looked beautiful and I believed them. I felt beautiful and even got a little teary eyed. I was shocked by that.

This whole process is teaching me a lot about myself. Actually being with Ian has taught me a lot. Seeing the way that he looks at me, hearing the way he talks to me, and knowing the way he treats me it is obvious that this man is in love with me. I am head over heels for him and have never been so happy.

One thing that we both realized is that we have stayed consistent. When you are initially interested in someone you daydream or wonder about them. Sometimes this builds up who the person really may be and they are already on a pedestal. This is a risky place to put someone. It also puts a lot of pressure on them to amount to your idea of them. I know I've done this in the past. However with Ian we both took each other for exactly who we are. He didn't make me out to be perfect (just a little shy from it...just kidding) and I didn't look to him as my savior. We had healthy expectations. I can confidently say that the guy I first talked to is exactly the same man I am preparing to marry. He's 100% honest, and genuine. I also learned how I carry myself. I'm amazed everyday that he loves me the way he does. It opened my eyes to a perspective of how Jesus feels towards us. There is passion, concern, love,  commitment, and a healthy jealousy (but that's a completely separate blog entry).

weaving.

I've spent my whole life dreaming of the man I will one day marry.
I've prayed countless prayers, cried numerous nights and wondered if he even existed. Deep down I knew he did, but I was terrified that he would never find me. I read countless books on dating and relationships. I also read books on being single for life (I prayed, "dear God no, this can't be me"...but I still wanted to stay open to all possibilities). I read some books that sucked and made me feel like God didn't have the time to care about such things. I read others that encouraged me and pointed me towards qualities to look for in a healthy relationship. I still questioned who my future husband would be, and when our story would begin.


I secretly hoped he would pursue me. I wanted to be wanted. I didn't think I would be though. I had a "list" of things that I was looking for but I wasn't tied down to it. After I turned 21 I was over the crap of dating. I decided to get focused on what I wanted in life and tried to pursue those things. Surrounded by friends in relationships I figured I'd be the spinster of the group. When my friends wanted to "set me up" I couldn't be bothered. I was focused this time.


A year and a half later I was still single. However, I was happy being myself for the first time. I just really desired someone to share my life with. Finally one of my close friends told his friend about me.
 
In the past few months things have changed drastically for me. I've experienced highs and lows like I never imagined. I've been promoted, pursued, succeeded in school, fell in love, physically debilitated and hospitalized by the most pestering headache of the century, disappointed, lost my job, frustrated, excited, proposed to, rehired, and on the recovery track. I've never felt so helpless and so reliant on others and God. I've talked about what it's like to lose control... to not be "in-charge" and I feel like I'm more relaxed than ever before. Yet there are still things that need to be learned. There are still things that I need to sift through and sort out in my heart.

I'm in a new season of my life. I'm recently engaged and planning out our wedding and marriage. I've always tried to be super independent and now I'm learning how to blend my life with his. There are times where he needs to make decisions and I need to support/back him. It's one of those times and it's not anything like I thought "submitting" would be. My entire life I've heard it preached in church that, "Wives must submit to their husbands.." I never realized though what that meant. Now, I'm not a wife yet, and I'm sure this is just the beginning, but submitting isn't easy. When you love someone you want the best for them, you want them to be safe, secure, protected, and happy. But, God doesn't promise that our lives will be pain free and effortless. When the person that you love is saying that they are going into a unknown situation, or potentially stressful and hard time you want to do everything to keep them from harm. It's frustrating knowing you won't be able to be there if they need you. But that's where the trust comes in.

I don't trust anyone like I trust Ian. I know that he has a deeply-rooted relationship with God. It's funny how what we perceive to be good for us may not be what shapes our character. We need God to come in, uproot us and throw us into crazy things. I know that he is risking it all right now but he's not risking me. We are in this together, we are committed, and that's not changing. I'm excited to see what God is going to do in our lives.  We started out in a long distance relationship, spent the summer together, and now are faced with the distance again. This time is different though. We are both trying to pursue God, each other, and our marriage. My heart hurts without him by my side, but I know that this time will produce something strong and priceless. I've never longed to be with someone like I do now. God is molding our hearts for each other in circumstances that we'd prefer to be together in. Our story is already in process. We are already living out our lives and weaving them together.

Allstate TV Ad: Meet Mayhem

all i can say is i'm so happy and proud to say that i am insured by allstate because this is what i wanna see!

Bye Bye Boatie

http://longisland.craigslist.org/boa/1860617763.html

If you wanna buy a boat, buy this one please!

where on earth...

did all the time go?
how am i 23 today...crazy? yes.
best year ever.

jackpot!

i

I'm extremely excited that this is the man I get to read and write next to for the rest of my life. I mean just look at that!!!!

when it rains it pours, or your pool explodes?

My wonderful fiance Ian researched all the possible scenarios of what could cause my mysterious headache. He finally found something called sanguinarium (aka bloodroot). It is an herbal remedy that is for migraines fixated over the right eye. We drove to a natural supplement store and he bought it for me. Fifteen drops into a glass of water should do the trick. I drank it, and nothing happened. We were both so discouraged on Friday. We thought maybe, finally we had found something to help and it didn't respond when we expected it to.

Saturday morning our elderly neighbor was found dead in the kitchen. For the past seventeen years my mom has made this man every holiday meal, and myself or someone in our family would deliver it to him. He lived alone. He had no one, and that's the way he wanted it. Our entire family definitely felt the loss. This man was so caring, so kind, and filled with stories. He would invite us in and we would sit awkwardly on his couch as he would talk to us about anything. Just to have a conversation with someone. His eyesight deteriorated over the past few years so he was unable to read and obviously see very well. What does one do all day and night alone if you can't see? Now what's worse is all his stories, everything he experienced in his life died with him. He didn't have anyone to pass on his legacy. His life truly is gone. I felt regret. I always thought it would be interesting to sit with him and put his stories to paper. Life comes and goes when we least expect it though, and I never moved in on that idea. My idea died with him. It's such a loss.
 
After finding out about our neighbor I began writing a blog entry. I was talking about patience and lost patience writing it. I think that's pretty pathetic. For some reason though it wouldn't let me post, edit or paste anything. I quickly gave up. I was easily frustrated because the infamous headache. I was at my breaking point. I was completely exhausted from being in pain. This is as far as I wrote,
"The wheels keep turning.
I just want to go forward.
I'm frustrated because this is something I've been dealing with for over two months.
I just want peace.
I don't want anymore pain.
I want my energy back.
I want to be able to play music and not feel sick.
I need to get better.
It's time.
I've been patient..."

Frustrated, hurt, and in pain I decided to take a shower.
For some reason I communicate really well with God in the shower. I don't know if it's just because I can easily focus or if it's something more but this is a consistent place that we chat. I was having a conversation with God and throwing my worries and cares to him hoping he would lend some reasons or results. I have really come to terms with not just talking at God to get something out of him. I crave relationship. I need it more than anything. But, I also feel that during the past two months I've become very honest with myself, and the way I converse with God. It's important to me because I shouldn't have to put on a front. Mask aside I found myself scrubbing my scalp and pleading, "Please God, I'm so sick of this..." Now mind you, a lightning bolt didn't shoot into my head, (which is good because I would've been electrocuted, and it would've just been a nasty way to go...) but I realized that I wasn't in pain. For the first time in two months I wasn't in agony. I didn't have a sharp shooting pain going from the right to the left side of my head. I was free.

I finished up in the shower...still headache free. I couldn't believe it. I was nervous to tell Ian because I didn't want him to get his hopes up. As I told him his entire face lit up. He was so excited and it finally started to feel real to me. We prayed and let God know we were serious, we needed this to last. We both decided to watch one of the TV series we've been following and catching up on. My dad called down the stairs to us and asked us to come up. He sounded urgent and after everything that already happened I didn't know what to expect. As we made it upstairs he said to look out the window. To my horror our pool was exploded across my backyard. The guys chopped up the remaining pieces of my childhood pool and threw it in black garbage bags. I suddenly felt like no matter what I'm not in control. I don't mean this in a bad sense. I just sometimes try to fix things that are out of my reach. During this time I haven't been able to figure out the why and how and what is causing the headache. Maybe I'll never know. Maybe it's better that way. While my pool was ripped, chopped, and beat into the garbage I could only watch. My neighbor passed away leaving the water running in his kitchen for days, and I couldn't do a thing. As I lost my job, my school program and everything that I thought I needed I could only let go. Now I was pain free and things were still falling apart all around me. It's not my responsibility to keep the balance. I can only rely 100% on God, and do my best to love him and the other people around me. I don't know if this is the lesson that I was supposed to learn during this time, but I'm pretty excited that I'm walking away with something.

up close and personal

maybe i was born to...

june 11, 2010 started out as a beyond perfect day. my lovely boyfriend turned 22, and a couple minutes after 12 we realized that his birthday had started. we were both possibly equally excited. i was excited because i had the entire day planned out and couldn't wait to give him his presents. he was excited because it was his birthday, and he had a couple other things up his sleeve. we woke up in the morning and began the birthday celebration with a quick breakfast. coffee was obviously involved in our morning routine as well as the present exchange.

ian seemed thrilled by his birthday present, two tickets for thrice (his favorite band) that we would be attending next week in the city, and a travel coffee mug from starbucks. we set out for our day filled with surprises. the broadway diner was our first stop and we both had burgers for lunch. after our lunch we crossed the street and began our journey touring ikea.

we found dishes and silverware that we loved. we spotted the coffee presses and mugs that we hope to fill our non-existent kitchen cabinets with. all the while i enjoyed dreaming about what our lives together could be like.

we tested armchairs, sofas, and coffee tables. we compared what we liked and found that we agreed on everything. i heard off in the distance the Little Mermaid and followed the sound. the movie was playing in the children's area. i was thrilled. everything seemed perfect.

after checking out almost every showroom we left our land of home goods and hit the road again. as we headed to the roosevelt field mall i began talking in a ridiculous voice. (i am known to mimic, create, and go a little overboard on voices. i dream of being discovered one day and being a character for the latest animated children's movie. but that's just a side-note). we arrived at the mall and hit up the starbucks. we decided to sit down and savor our coffee. we realized that the couches that we were sitting on were surrounded by some very interesting mall shoppers who all had a good 30-50 years on us. ian was being disturbed by an elderly man in a suit with a free sample of organic juice. the man was very excited to share the good news with ian and wound up spilling the contents all over his suit jacket and pants. before we left we captured this picture.

a-team was playing at the movie theatre and we hit that up. the movie was pretty decent and kept both of our attention. i was leaning on ian's shoulder thinking about how intensely in love i felt and how much i want to make him happy. sometimes when we are quiet, or are pre-occupied with something else going on my mind will still find a way to wander back to him. every time he laughed at something i smiled. it sounds cheesy but i've never felt so genuine about someone's happiness. seeing him enjoying himself puts sparks into my heart. after the movie we spent some more time walking around the mall. ian bought spiffy white shoes. i found a super deal on underwear. overall we had a successful shopping day.

i had one more stop planned and that was dinner. pizza was on the menu and i took ian to little vincent's in ronkonkoma. it was a rockin' friday night there but we found a table conveniently located next to the most obnoxious customer. it's becoming a trend that if you put the both of us together odd people flock our way. awkward situations are finding us out. we roll with them. we demolished two slices of pizza each. one pepperoni and one plain with additional cold cheese. it was delicious. ian asked if we could drive down by the water, which is something we usually do and i said sure.

i decided to drive to one of the docks that we frequent often. it just so happens to be the place we shared our first kiss. it was extremely memorable because it was pouring rain that day, and the wind was so strong it was pelting gravel against my car. the entire vehicle was shaking and the bay was practically empty. the docks that are usually filled with boats were nearly dry, and a few lonely souls were out walking across the water with metal detectors. i felt like we were going to die, or that it could be one of the most amazing moments we would ever share. i needed to be close to him, and luckily he wanted to be close to me. but this day was calm, cool, and beautiful. the water was exactly where it should be, and the parking lot was filled with cars with passengers loading onto the ferry. i pulled into a parking spot and rolled down the windows. ian asked if we could walk around the dock for a bit, so i quickly rolled the windows back up and turned the car off. we strolled down the walkway holding hands and talking about my headache that i can't seem to get rid of. i was a bit chilly and i was thanking God i put jeans on with my dress. we decided to turn around and ian planted himself on a wooden bench. he asked if there was enough lighting to take a picture and i replied sure, why not? as he got up to get his camera i started fixing my hair to make sure i would look good. when i glanced at him he was on his knee without a camera but a box in his hand. my eyes wandered to the diamond ring placed strategically inside and for a minute i thought, "is he proposing to me right now?" i finally realized that he was and asked, "are you serious?" he responded with, "well there's a ring in there right?" i began repeating, "oh my gosh, oh my gosh!" and he asked me to marry him. i finally got out the word, "yes!" he sat next to me and slid the ring on my finger. perfect fit. we kissed and i cried. he held me tightly as i was shaking with excitement. music was playing in the background and the scenery was beautiful. i always wanted to be by the water when i got engaged. it was a very intimate and perfect for us. it was completely natural yet one of the most life-changing moments i've ever experienced. the ring was the first piece of jewelry i ever received from someone other than family. i was shocked and overjoyed simultaneously. i was supposed to be the one surprising him, yet he gave me the biggest surprise of my life.

, 

i asked if my mom knew about this, and apparently she did. ian decided to drive home, which was brilliant because i stared at the ring the whole time. i couldn't wait to see my parents and i smiled as i walked through the front door. they were excited for us, and the rest of the night was spent with phone calls and text messages filling our cellular devices. we watched a recorded dave matthews band concert and continually called each other fiance. i didn't want the day to end. however all night i repeatedly woke up to check my finger to make sure the ring was still there. i've never been so excited, and sure about something. ian is absolutely the man of my dreams, my best friend, my fiance, and loves me like i've never been loved before. i couldn't be more blessed.

maybe i was born to hold you in these arms

maybe i was born to hold you in these arms

maybe i was born to hold you in these arms

maybe i was born to hold you in these arms

sleep don't weep

there are stories about the night i was born how i couldn't sleep. the nurses didn't know what to do with me, so naturally they put me in with all the baby boys. however their brilliant plan backfired because i kept them all awake. bewildered they brought me bundled into my mom's room. they explained that every other baby was sound asleep and that they didn't know what to do. my mom asked for me, and as they handed me to her she says she saw my big eyes wide open and she knew that there was something about me...

i remember waiting to be tucked in by my parents as a little girl. they would come in, pull my picture books off my bed and put them on my dresser. i was a talker and i would have to tell them everything about my day (meanwhile i spent the day with them..) they would kiss my forehead and pray over me. i remember laying there feet against my slanted ceiling waiting for sleep. i never wanted to sleep. it was completely a hassle in my little brain.

i remember being old enough to put myself to bed and hearing the knock at the door when it was time to shut the lights out and go to sleep, and i would always call out, "five more minutes!" i discovered reading by flashlight, and was busted quite a few times. waking up the next morning for school was torture and i vowed i would go to be earlier that night. yet again around 8:00 pm my second wind arrived and i was awake for hours.

i've gone through periods of time where sleep has been a luxury, or i ease into it. lately it seems whenever i'm exhausted during the day i can sleep easily, yet night is still a chore. i feel like a fourteen year old knowing i need to go to bed but can't seem to fall asleep even if you paid me.

i'm utterly exhausted though.

pet peeve

I am really sick of seeing KY commercials and Trojan condom commercials. Not only are they extremely awkward but they just make sex sound like a joke. Condom commercials are the worst, a young couple (usually not married) barrelling down the 24 hour-convenience store aisle nearly knocking down the elderly woman in their path because they need to get home to bang. They have these ridiculous smiles pinned across their faces and they are acting like the end of the world is about to occur if they don't find the box of condoms they just ran out of.

Or the Asian couple who is stereotypically a "quiet couple" but throw a little KY into the mix and all bets are off, volume decibels will rise and then they will have a better sex life. They thankfully show us a before and after so we can truly see what a good time they really just had. (Thanks for the visual!)

Thank you commercials for teaching us how to have good sex (I wonder what Adam and Eve did to figure it out..maybe they used AV?aloe vera... bad joke).

A coma might feel better than this..

I painted for the first time in five years.

I'm definitely not happy with my results,

but I tried to not be the perfectionist that I am.

I think I'm learning to not take myself so seriously.

I mean where is the fun in life if you are always striving?

I'm never going to grasp perfection.

I'm still going to put effort in. I'm still going to try.

But I want to have a little fun. I think that's a good balance.

I typically paint in layers. Today wasn't different.

After each layer is finished it needs to dry.

This means I need to be patient enough to let it dry.

A couple times I dipped my brush in the paint and smeared it on the canvas and it blurred.

I didn't wait long enough. I had to set the brush down again and wait.

I feel like I'm always learning another aspect of patience.

I remember living in Hawaii and how it was actually a struggle for me.

Everyone there was typically 20-30 minutes late guaranteed.

It frustrated the heck out of me, because I enjoy being early on right on time.

I felt like I was always waiting.

There are other aspects in my life that waiting has played its part in.

School is my personal waiting enemy.

It seems like every time I seem to get far enough to just about finish there is a road block or speed bump that throws me off course.

Here we go again, take 34. Recalculating route.

If only I had a GPS to throw me right back in the game.

I am starting to really get sick of waiting for the pain to go away.

I'm tired of waiting for results.

I'm done waiting for better days, and to wake up feeling good.

I want to eliminate the waiting.

I know if I did that though I would miss out on some sort of lesson.

Some sort of trust, patience, learning process or life skill that I need.

But, in all honesty I just wanna be like hey, I got this. I'm set.

I'm glad I'm not in control of painting my life picture.

I'd probably give up.

I'm glad God has enough patience for me, and sees all the possibilities.

I guess I just need to let the paint dry in between.

got aura?

One of the problems I've been having is something called aura. It's the warning sign of an oncoming migraine. It is the vision blurring, hearing problems and numbness that I first experienced. (Meanwhile all my doctors were trying to say I was anxious... and they are supposedly specialists... figures). Apparently 20% of migraine sufferers have this issue. I guess I'm part of the bunch. I don't want to be. I hope I'm not developing migraines for long-term. However, this past week I've felt really inspired. Then I read something that got my attention.

Did you know?

Lewis Carroll suffered with migraine with aura. His warning was a visual change or distortion of figures and shapes from which he got many of his ideas for the book Alice in Wonderland.

So obviously I'm wondering what kind of psychedelic art-book I'm going to write during this time. Who knows...

headaches, habits, and love

For three weeks I have had a severe headache. We're not talking a little pain, or something a couple Tylenol pills can fix here. It's persistent and just won't quit.
It all started with my vision blurring, a shooting, sharp pain across my forehead, coupled with some lack of hearing and speech. Luckily the vision, hearing, and speech are all restored but I can't seem to shake this headache. Hospitalization, sleep, pills, homeopathic treatments, walking, cutting out caffeine, adding caffeine, resting, nothing seems to be working. They say it takes 21 days to form a habit. I think I've created a habit of being used to pain. The pain hasn't lessened but I am just responding to it as the "norm." I'm not saying this is a good "habit" or anything like that. But, in the past 3 weeks I've really been able to see where my priorities are, where I would spend most of my time, and what I really want. It's been 21 days and in the beginning I couldn't even have a light on. Now I am able to be out in the sun and not be completely blinded. I feel like my self-realization is gradually following the same format. When this first happened I was scared, upset, and annoyed that everything was put on hold. Now that I'm in the middle of this I am accepting the fact that I'm not in control. It's not easy but maybe the things I was running so hard after aren't exactly what I need to be doing. I feel like there is a shifting going on. I'm at a fork in the road and I'm waiting. For the first time I'm okay with being here. What i wanted before were healthy things, but I just don't see them fitting into my life now. Not only that but they have been taken away from me. It's a loss that I definitely feel. Before I take off running i want to make sure I run in the right direction. and then there's love. Normally I would be experiencing all this alone. This time is different. I have someone to pray for me, to back me up, to love me and take care of me. I've never had this before. as scary as this all has been, I have someone to be with. My heart is thrilled to have found someone that gets me, and loves me despite what I'm going through. It's been hard for me to be vulnerable and honest about my current situation. I ultimately want to that super energetic, ready for anything type of a person. I don't like asking for help or others having to see me in pain. This applies even more to those that I really care about. This time I was able to be myself though. That helps me realize even more that I am with who I should be. In the deepest parts of my heart I feel a peace. I've met my best friend, my partner, the one who I want to spend the rest of my life with. Through everything he has shown me what love really is. I'm confident that this won't be the first and last hard thing we will go through together, but I would rather have him by my side than anyone else. I read a book a year ago about giving God the pen to your life story. The concept is awesome, giving the Author of Creation the pen to your life and asking Him to write your story. However, living it out is another thing. I think what I'm going through right now is just an example of that. The things that I wanted weren't wrong. The goals that I made were healthy. The dreams I had were good. But, they were more or less my dreams, my goals, my things. I think I need to stop thinking that I have it all figured out. I need to give God the pen back. I need to ask Him to write my future. I wish He wrote it in my blog.

if you can't sleep

If you can’t sleep, I’ll be there in your dreams
I’ll be there in your dreams if you can’t sleep at all
And in your dreams, I’ll touch your cheek
And lay my head on your shoulder

Goodbye, shadows

You’re far away if you can’t see my face
If the world is cold but the sun shines the same
Shut your eyes, there are bluer skies
For your embrace to my heart

Goodbye, shadows

If you can’t sleep, I’ll be there in your dreams
I’ll be there in your dreams if you can’t sleep at all
And in your dreams, I’ll touch your cheek
And lay my head on your shoulder

She & Him

mask

you avoid it at all costs,
you make yourself busy,
you do whatever it takes to not have to look at it in the face,
because if you do, then you acknowledge it.
you don't want to even give it a second of thought.
so how long can you keep this up?
how long can you act like it's all okay?
i guess until it either breaks or all comes crashing down.
i wonder which it'll be.

to listen to my music

myspace.com/christielynncafariella

tightrope

"so i told her i loved her, and she told me she loved me. and i mostly believed her, and she mostly believed me."

trust.
it's a really hard thing to understand how to let back in.
especially if the track record isn't so hot.
but you'll never know if you don't try.
it's like a story my pastor told on sunday.
there's a guy who was amazingggg at walking a tightrope.
he got so good that he would tightrope over niagara falls.
this obviously gained a lot of attention.
one day he brought a cart with him.
he asked everyone standing around "do you think i can make it across with this?"
everyone said "oh yes"
so he picked one of the guys out of the group,
(probably the guy with the biggest trust issues known to mankind...
i'm just guessing cause isn't that always how it is?)
anyways he says to the guy "if you believe me, hop in!"
imagine that?
i'd probably find some excuse besides the fact that I COULD DIE!
i mean i'd ask for his mental health history,
for a list of medications he may have been on.
that's just who i am.
maybe i need to take a risk once in a while.
isn't that how you know you still have a pulse?
blood pumping through your veins?
adrenaline surging?

"Bleed me"

Wrote this song a couple months ago, just about the desire to live right for God, and the constant struggle between what I think is "right" and what really is.



going through the seasons of pain and joy,
seen so many dark nights and early sunrises.
and all the while i feel you,
tugging on my heartstrings.
my hearts been broken,
my hearts been bleeding but that's the best place to be...

so won't you bleed me,
drain me down,
cause the life in me,
is not the life that you desire,
so won't you strip away my flesh and what's left?
just a set of dry bones, to breathe into.

i know i've made mistakes,
i know i've wandered,
but you still draw me back,
over and over,
and you take my sins farther,
than the east and west,
you remove the dross in my chest,

so won't you bleed me,
drain me down,
cause the life in me,
is not the life that you desire,
so won't you strip away my flesh and what's left?
just a set of dry bones, to breathe into.

my heart's been cleansed now,
Jesus take all of me,
cause that's the best way to be...

so won't you bleed me,
drain me down,
cause the life in me,
is not the life that you desire,
so won't you strip away my flesh and what's left?
just a set of dry bones, to breathe into.

breathe in, breathe out.

sleep, God, and calamities

I've stayed up for an extremely long time, with a background of barely any sleep over the weekend.
My mom is home from the hospital but she went to the doctors today.
They found something...in her lung...a nodule.
Now it could be nothing, it could be something.
But honestly from I know that God hears our cries, and prayers.

Just look at the whole situation of the earthquake in Chile, and possible tsunamis throughout the ring of fire was startling.
I have friends in Hawaii. I lived in Hawaii, this was mind-baffling for me. I began to pray because I just couldn't even imagine waking up to feeling that anxiety.
Everyone joined in prayer around the world, and while yes, many did die in Chile, for an 8.8 earthquake it was amazing how many people were/are okay. A potentially world devastating event could have happened. But the prayers of the righteous avails much.
I love when God comes to the rescue. I love seeing people turn to God in times of crisis. That's not the only time he listens and answers prayers.

He answers prayers when the waves are rising, and when the sea is calm. He listens when you are in the most confused state of mind, or have never felt more peace. He's not conditional. something to think about.

coffee

i can't wait for my morning cup.

the way i am

Run to God!

Proverbs 3:4-6 (The Message)



3-4 Don't lose your grip on Love and Loyalty.
Tie them around your neck; carve their initials on your heart.
Earn a reputation for living well
in God's eyes and the eyes of the people.

5-12 Trust God from the bottom of your heart;
don't try to figure out everything on your own.
Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go;
he's the one who will keep you on track.
Don't assume that you know it all.
Run to God! Run from evil!
Your body will glow with health,
your very bones will vibrate with life!
Honor God with everything you own;
give him the first and the best.
Your barns will burst,
your wine vats will brim over.
But don't, dear friend, resent God's discipline;
don't sulk under his loving correction.
It's the child he loves that God corrects;
a father's delight is behind all this.

john mayer

this seriously was an amazing night.
i'm so happy everything happened the way it did.
i will never forget it. soo good.

more of luke

this guy is awesome.


inspiring. i can't wait to record my stuff. i gotta get on that. i think it just might be time.

hats

i think this guy, luke shaffer is absolutely awesome. yeah yeah he's on american idol, but gosh he's a keeper.

my mom said tonight that usually brunettes are attracted to blondes, and vice versa, my response was "i think i've dyed my hair so much i don't know who i'm attracted to!" haha. but in all seriousness blonde, brown, black hair, as long as you loveeeee Jesus and will adore me you can always put a hat on like luke here and cover up your do. just a thought.

i'm really trying to sort through some stuff. not physical stuff, more or less emotional.

basically all i know is yes is yes, and no means no.

Matthew 5:37
Simply let your 'Yes' be 'Yes,' and your 'No,' 'No'; anything beyond this comes from the evil one.

john mayer says it plainly, anything other than yes is no, anything other than stay is go, anything less than "i love you" is lying.

it's frustrating but i know that it's for a reason.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

anyways i went to the MAC store and got my makeup done today.

i'm pretty excited about all my awesome new loot.

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i really want to fall asleep but i'm wired.

my mind is racing. i just want someone to play music with, and create together. i miss that.

fall

9 more days until i see this beautiful face!

i don't know how to get to you. just when i think i've climbed the last branch i look up and it stretches on and on. there's no one to brace my fall, and i'm aimlessly trying to find the top.

i just don't want to turn around, i don't want to fall back down, i've spent enough time on the ground and i want to be closer to you. but it's not just the climb, it's my heart on the line, and i feel you fading away. so do i try harder? do i let go of what my heart is saying? i guess things look differently when you're in the middle. maybe i should've never tried in the first place.

today

and everything has been in progress up until this point,
this is where it's at. this is what i've been working towards.
and i'm not saying i've arrived. i do feel like i've made it to the next stage.
this will probably not make sense to anyone, if anyone is readying this,
but i say all of this because i've had my ups and downs,
i've put effort in before and now it's finally working out.
i'm trusting God, i'm walking out on the things i believe he's spoken to me.

visible

"God in my living
There in my breathing
God in my waking
God in my sleeping

God in my resting
There in my working
God in my thinking
God in my speaking

Be my everything Be my everything Be my everything Be my everything

God in my hoping
There in my dreaming
God in my watching
God in my waiting

God in my laughing
There in my weeping
God in my hurting
God in my healing

Christ in me
Christ in me
Christ in me the hope of glory
You are everything

Christ in me
Christ in me
Christ in me the hope of glory
Be my everything"

the truth is that praise is needed when you see God moving in your life, and when you don't seem to know what's going on. God deserves worship on days that you can't stop smiling from the awesome things He has provided, and on the days you feel like you have nothing to offer.

no matter what, He doesn't change.
Hebrews 13:8 says,
"Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever."
that means you can always rely on Him.
1 John 4:15-17 says,
"If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in him and he in God. And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him."

i find rest in that. i feel like right now, in whatever stage of life i'm currently in some things are "dying" and other things are springing up into "life." things that i totally thought were going to happen haven't, and i'm continually surprised by what turns out being "right" for me. it really shows me that God knows what i need way more than i think i do. my prayers have changed. the things i ask for have changed, because i want His best. for example i went on a job interview. the place was awesome, the atmosphere, position, boss, manager, etc. whole nine yards, i thought it was THE job. the one i had been praying for. i even thought the schedule was good. i left pleading to God that i wanted it. i didn't hear back, but they told me in a week they would let me know. in the meantime i applied to other jobs, and went on one interview. turns out this schedule was BETTER than the other place, the pay was BETTER than the other place, and guess what, they hired me immediately! i really do trust that God knows exactly what i need when i need it.

chase

so not only is chase donating $1 million to your favorite charity which i have been following invisible children for years. but now they have also donated $1 million to the Haiti Relief fund.
click on the links to learn more.

Haiti

All I am is just a traveler,
With dirt on my hands.
All I have is dust in my pockets,
And you in the end.

Sometimes it feels like we're never gonna make it out alive.
When nightmares close us in.
Heartbeart, take me, away from all the troubles that I see,
Oh, it's all what we make it, it's all what we make it, oh. Matt Hires-You in the End

My heart breaks for this country, for those across Port Au Prince and surrounding areas that are suffering so much. I have compassion for those in this country and all over the world that are on edge, waiting to hear from loved ones, waiting for hope, waiting. It's devastating, and heartbreaking as the entire world watches this catastrophic event unwind. There have been stories of hope, and there has also been extreme loss of life. I think if anyone doesn't feel something towards this situation then your heart needs to be softened. Haiti already an extremely poor nation lost the little but of structure they had. If you can donate your money. If you don't have some money, then pray. Either way pray because this isn't going away overnight.

Thank you God for being all powerful. Thank you Jesus that you died on the cross for my sins, and for every one elses. I pray that you would move on behalf of the people of Haiti. Open up aid, open up provisions, sustain the survivors, bring into light those covered under buildings and trapped, deliver them God. Just like in Exodus 3:7 you had compassion of your people, and you were concerned with their suffering, I pray that you would hear the cries and prayers that people all over are praying. Please God use this for good, turn this around, bring hope.

crash

i will be still and know that you are God.
i almost got into a horrible car accident today.
it was enough to shake me.
i heard the girl's screams, airbags deflating, and tires blow out.
the ground shook. the entire thing was oddly confusing.
and it felt like time stood still.
it's just amazing how life can change in a second.
your choices that you make have an effect.

set the fire to the third bar

I'm miles from where you are,
I lay down on the cold ground
I, I pray that something picks me up
And sets me down in your warm arms

snow patrol ft. martha wainwright

low rising

swell

Thread the light,
Thread the light,
Thread the light,
Thread the light,
Shine the light,
Don't hide the light,
Live the light,
And give the light,
Seek the light,
And speak the light,
Crave the light, and brave the light,
Stare the light,
And share the light,
Show the light,
And know the light,
Raise the light,
And praise the light,
Thread the light,
And spread the light.

ehh

i really dislike awkward moments.
like wow.

chai tea lattes

angel taylor's voice is amazing.
and i love this song.
here are the lyrics.
i'm inspired.



You seem like...
Mr. perfect
Why don't you drive over and pick me up?
I'll wear my best outfit
And people might compliment
Our chocolate and vanilla skin
And how it looks so good together mixed in...
'Cause without you my flavor is a little plain
And no one likes plain things
I wanna walk to your house
'Cause you're just up the street
And seeing you in person is so much better than my thoughts and my dreams...
Chours:
You've blown my mindin 2 hours time
And I'm so weak and unable to
Picture, you with someone other than me
But I guess I have to
Cause you haven't asked me out... -2nd chr sing: 'Cause I haven't asked you out...

On a date...
To get some Chai Tea lattes
You, open the door for me always
You're such a gentlemen like that
And I don't know anyone who has a sweeter heart than you do
You're like, 20 billion Reese cups in 2
And this christmas what I really, really, really, really, really want
Is a call from you to say
"Angel I seem to think of you everyday and ever since I've gone away
I just have to say... that you've..." (chorus)

So go ahead and ask me
Go ahead and ask me out
I live at 25052 Walnut St.
And I'll be waiting for my doorbell to ring..
(chorus)

Out...Out...
Oh just ask me out, cause i'm just dyin' for a Chai Tea Latte.

you are the one

You are the one
Oh my darling
You are the one for me
You are the one for me
You are this song
That I'm singing, darling
You are the song I sing
You are the melody

And I'm singing
I, I, I want to belong
To you ohhh
To you ohhh
I'm singing
I, I, I want to belong
To you ohh
To you ohh

Oh and time
Is like a river flowing
It's rushing over us
It's rushing over us
And if the current pulls us under
If were turned around unbroken
You'll be the one I want
You'll be the one I want

I'm singing
I, I, I want to belong
To you ohhh
To you ohhh
I'm singing
I, I, I want to belong
To you ohh
To you ohh

And if my frequency's unclear
Static buzzing in your ears
To your heart, to your heart
Till you hear who we are
Let it take us to the start

And I'm singing
I, I, I want to belong
To you ohhh
To you ohhh
I'm singing
I, I, I want to belong
To you ohh
To you ohh
To you ohh
To you ohh
Oh I want to belong to you
Ohh, ohh, ohh

--matt hires.

i absolutely love this song, the lyrics and the sound.