six months

six months.
15,638,400 seconds
260,640 minutes
4344 hours
181 days
25 weeks (rounded down)=
6 months
a lot can happen in that time frame.
i hope in six months i am continually growing in my relationship with God.
i really think i will be looking back on today and thanking God for the past six months,
the lessons, trials, tears, laughs, prayers, songs, and life i've experienced during this time.
i'm ready to live to the fullest.
God I'm ready.

impossible

i should be sleeping.
i'm wide-awake.
and all i can think about is impossible possibilities.
and this picture is amazing.

shine

in days where the sun doesn't always shine brightly some situations can brighten your day.
the kind of things you wait all week to hear, maybe you lost sleep because of it.
maybe your appetite significantly decreased and you kept forgetting what was next, because in the back of your mind you were wondering about [that] maybe you cried, maybe you laughed at yourself thinking "there's no way" and then when it happens all the ways you pre-imagined yourself reacting fall away. and you are speechless. it takes time to sink in. maybe it hasn't fully felt real yet. maybe it won't for a while. but something in you picks up that fight. and you know deep down that things will get better. [and maybe they've only just begun.] and you weren't an idiot. all the times you felt that. it shows that you aren't now, and you have to accept that. maybe you didn't think this would happen. maybe you didn't think you would ever try. and now you have, and you didn't fail, if anything you're better off, way better off. and things are starting to look like they are making sense. maybe you've been so scared, of following your heart, because it's mislead you so many times. you didn't know if you could take anymore. what would it do to you? how would you cope? but somewhere there was a disconnect from those thoughts, and the real you shone through all the stuff that clouds your thoughts. maybe you have no idea what i'm talking about. maybe you do. but either way, don't give up. keep the fight in you. you're worth it. no matter what anyone else tries to tell you. no matter how many things disappoint you. the sun has to shine eventually. and when it doesn't, look for it shining in your life. it's all in the little things.

and this..

i love this

hurry up and get here

john mayer knows exactly how i feel.
this song is called "love song for no one"

Staying home alone on a Friday
Flat on the floor looking back
On old love
Or lack thereof
After all the crushes are faded
And all my wishful thinking was wrong
I'm jaded
I hate it

I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
Get here

Searching all my days just to find you
I'm not sure who I'm looking for
I'll know it
When I see you
Until then, I'll hide in my bedroom
Staying up all night just to write
A love song for no one

I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here

I could have met you in a sandbox
I could have passed you on the sidewalk
Could I have missed my chance
And watched you walk away?
Oh no way

I could have met you in a sandbox
I could have passed you on the sidewalk
Could I have missed my chance
And watched you walk away?

I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
I'm so tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here oh yeah

I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
I'm so tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here

You'll be so good
You'll be so good for me

disconnect

i have to find a way, to stay here.
no matter what i do my heart just crosses the water.
i don't know if it belongs on the other side of the shore,
but my feet are still on this side.
how is there such a disconnect.
it makes me think about what the immigrants coming through ellis island must've felt.
they still hadn't arrived.
they would stare out this window and see more water that needed crossing.
how would they get there,
they longed to be free.
just like me.

today

today i had one of those days that was long, but had amazing results.
i am finally officially a music major.
i got into all the classes i wanted for next semester.
i will be graduating in a year.
i am so excited.
i just feel like things are finally happening.
i've been working so hard to get to this place, and i had a lot of odds against me.
but i'm here. i did it. and i'm so happy.
i think january is going to be awesome. i just feel it.
and this time i'm ready for it.
i've been waiting for it.
but i'm also excited to finish out this year.
i often check out come November and just focus on January.
but i am just enjoying where i'm at and where i'm going.

ellis island/statue of liberty

paperback, hardcover, or hidden

i walked around barnes and nobles today for about a half hour before my friend met me there for some much needed coffee.
i looked through the different sections starting at music, then off to art, and ended up at the christian section.
as i stumbled around i began thinking about all the different authors.
how many hours and days, years, and lifetimes were poured out into the pages that surrounded me.
how many books go unnoticed.
and if i were a book in that store what would i be?
would i be sitting in the shelf dusty? or would the people who work there know exactly where i belong because i barely ever had a shelf life.
which is better? which is more useful?
i'd like to think i'd be the hidden book, waiting for that special someone to hand pick me, and be so delighted to find me, because well you had been searching for me all over the place, maybe you even looked at the shelf a hundred times, and just never saw me until you weren't looking for me anymore. would they clasp me tightly and proudly hand me off to be purchased. walking out of the store inviting me into your world. placing me on your passenger seat to go wherever you were headed to.
would i stay at your bedside? i would i be cried on? would i be marked, highlighted, and read aloud? my inner secrets made known to others, but if it were by you then that'd be fine. would you tell others about me? would you forget me? and once again pick me up and spend hours and days together. would i inspire you? would you relate to me? would you believe my story? would you want more? would you look to another book but still keep me as your favorite? would you spill coffee on me one morning? would my pages be torn? would you throw me into a corner? would you gently place me down before bed?

i almost think

music has been filling the silence.
[your] absence is still felt.
i wish i had a song to fill the void.
to explain how you can miss someone you've never met.
but all i have are the feelings.
maybe soon i will be able to say exactly how i feel.
but right now i know i'm in the midst of it.
and there's no backing out, or calling it quits.
i'm in, all in, and maybe that's why it's so hard.
i know i'm still in the intro, our first verse hasn't even begun.
and i dream in chords of what our chorus will say.
as anxiously as i am to start recording i know it takes two,
i'm waiting for your que.

i woke to

i woke up to a buzzing sound.
i'm allergic to bees so my immediate reaction was fear.
i mean it was loud, and it woke me.
i looked around, laptop was closed.
alarm clock off, cellphone not vibrating.
i couldn't figure it out until i looked up.
in the window beside my bed was a ladybug trapped in the window.
i was first shocked that it was that loud that i would be able to hear it.
i opened the window and freed it.
and then i sat there.
how often do i feel like i'm screened in, screaming and no one can hear me?
how many times have i been just staring out at the world that i so desperately long to change and live in, yet i can't get out of the glass box, my cage. how i long to fly.
to be free. but then i thought about something else.
i heard the ladybug, who hears me when i'm in a similar situation?
i believe with all my heart that God does.
it doesn't make sense, look how small i am to him, he could squash me in a heartbeat if he really wanted to.
yet, he hears my buzzing, he hears my discomfort, my longings, my pleas and my prayers.
i wake his heart to free me, to save me, to hold me.
it really just blows my mind.

what is it that drives you?

Photo Credit: Shutterstock




i'm wondering what it is that drives [you]?
what drives me?
why do i stay on the road, where am i heading?
what "detours" am i crossing?
where am i being re-routed and thinking it's just a waste of my time?
no there are some turns that may not be on the original trip that you thought you were taking.
what matters most is what we do during those times when the GPS is saying, "re-calculating route please wait"







the point is it isn't all about reaching at the destination.
sure one day we will get there but it's about the journey.
if we rush each mile, each day, each step we will miss the whole point.
i don't want to miss out. i want to wear the miles on me.
i want to eventually look like someone who has lived in the moment.
i don't specifically know what the end of the road looks like for me,
but i'm excited to travel to get there.










Hebrews 12:1-3
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. 2Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

Empire State of Mind

still can't get over it.

oh how did i miss this?

how did i miss a movie about bob dylan played by christian bale?! that just blows my mind entirely.
where was i in 2007 when it came out?

i have no idea

the yankees won the world series for the 27th time.
i was very into watching each game, i'm not even gonna lie.
i forgot about homework and just enjoyed watching the games with my dad,
bonding time. he even made hot wings one night and i chanted "i'm one of the boys now daddy" over and over again til he gave me that look. you know the look, like what on earth are you talking about, and you're left feeling like an idiot but you still have the urge to do whatever it was that you were doing one more time. so i did.

i stayed after class tonight and showed my professor pictures of my trip to China. she was completely shocked that i lived there for two months, and i enjoyed showing that part of who i am. we got into discussing her travels and she showed my pictures of one of her trips to Japan. it was pretty cool connecting to someone who has a doctorate and is so incredibly brilliant. for 15 minutes we were on the same level, there was no degree talk, no status or ranking, we were two women showing pictures of our travels, talking about food, hotels, airports, and the bathrooms there!

i have accepted the fact that i am a teachers pet. i have also accepted the fact that suffolk is not the place for me. its just a stepping stone. that i can go to scsu or wherever i want to go. i have the ability to and just because its scary shouldn't keep me from it. i am a nerd. i like buying new notebooks, and using cool pens, and my mechanical pencils that help me be extremely precise when writing music. every paper i write comes back with a red letter A on it. i almost feel guilty when i'm asked "what'd ya get?" but i did the work.

i had a soy latte at starbucks today. it took me an hour to drink. that's the longest i think it has ever taken me to drink what i got at starbucks, i was impressed.

minus the cigarette

then he's perfect.

i think these are awesome

i want them! or a polaroid camera <3

turn it around

take what i have, everything in me,
and turn it around.
please make it beautiful,
because that all i really long for,
to have the things that i regret,
turned around and not be the things that pin me down.
i'm not ashamed, i know i am forgiven.
just please let me not get caught in the shadows.
i wanna see your light.

maybe

i want someone to hold my hand,
and tell me when it's raining that the sun will come out soon.
i want to have someone draw me a picture so that i can put it on my bulletin board.
i know you exist but i'm getting weary.
i don't want to be cynical but it's hard when i'm surrounded by cheap imitations.
i find myself not connecting, because i know ultimately it'll be a sham.
it's easier to pull away if there's no lasting emotions attached to it.
i want someone to walk with on the beach, who will wear scarves with me, and let them blow in the wind.
who will button up their vests, and take pictures in the leaves.
who will play music with me, and drink hot coffee, and watch my favorite movies.
maybe what im describing is just a friend.
maybe that's all i need.