jackpot!

i

I'm extremely excited that this is the man I get to read and write next to for the rest of my life. I mean just look at that!!!!

when it rains it pours, or your pool explodes?

My wonderful fiance Ian researched all the possible scenarios of what could cause my mysterious headache. He finally found something called sanguinarium (aka bloodroot). It is an herbal remedy that is for migraines fixated over the right eye. We drove to a natural supplement store and he bought it for me. Fifteen drops into a glass of water should do the trick. I drank it, and nothing happened. We were both so discouraged on Friday. We thought maybe, finally we had found something to help and it didn't respond when we expected it to.

Saturday morning our elderly neighbor was found dead in the kitchen. For the past seventeen years my mom has made this man every holiday meal, and myself or someone in our family would deliver it to him. He lived alone. He had no one, and that's the way he wanted it. Our entire family definitely felt the loss. This man was so caring, so kind, and filled with stories. He would invite us in and we would sit awkwardly on his couch as he would talk to us about anything. Just to have a conversation with someone. His eyesight deteriorated over the past few years so he was unable to read and obviously see very well. What does one do all day and night alone if you can't see? Now what's worse is all his stories, everything he experienced in his life died with him. He didn't have anyone to pass on his legacy. His life truly is gone. I felt regret. I always thought it would be interesting to sit with him and put his stories to paper. Life comes and goes when we least expect it though, and I never moved in on that idea. My idea died with him. It's such a loss.
 
After finding out about our neighbor I began writing a blog entry. I was talking about patience and lost patience writing it. I think that's pretty pathetic. For some reason though it wouldn't let me post, edit or paste anything. I quickly gave up. I was easily frustrated because the infamous headache. I was at my breaking point. I was completely exhausted from being in pain. This is as far as I wrote,
"The wheels keep turning.
I just want to go forward.
I'm frustrated because this is something I've been dealing with for over two months.
I just want peace.
I don't want anymore pain.
I want my energy back.
I want to be able to play music and not feel sick.
I need to get better.
It's time.
I've been patient..."

Frustrated, hurt, and in pain I decided to take a shower.
For some reason I communicate really well with God in the shower. I don't know if it's just because I can easily focus or if it's something more but this is a consistent place that we chat. I was having a conversation with God and throwing my worries and cares to him hoping he would lend some reasons or results. I have really come to terms with not just talking at God to get something out of him. I crave relationship. I need it more than anything. But, I also feel that during the past two months I've become very honest with myself, and the way I converse with God. It's important to me because I shouldn't have to put on a front. Mask aside I found myself scrubbing my scalp and pleading, "Please God, I'm so sick of this..." Now mind you, a lightning bolt didn't shoot into my head, (which is good because I would've been electrocuted, and it would've just been a nasty way to go...) but I realized that I wasn't in pain. For the first time in two months I wasn't in agony. I didn't have a sharp shooting pain going from the right to the left side of my head. I was free.

I finished up in the shower...still headache free. I couldn't believe it. I was nervous to tell Ian because I didn't want him to get his hopes up. As I told him his entire face lit up. He was so excited and it finally started to feel real to me. We prayed and let God know we were serious, we needed this to last. We both decided to watch one of the TV series we've been following and catching up on. My dad called down the stairs to us and asked us to come up. He sounded urgent and after everything that already happened I didn't know what to expect. As we made it upstairs he said to look out the window. To my horror our pool was exploded across my backyard. The guys chopped up the remaining pieces of my childhood pool and threw it in black garbage bags. I suddenly felt like no matter what I'm not in control. I don't mean this in a bad sense. I just sometimes try to fix things that are out of my reach. During this time I haven't been able to figure out the why and how and what is causing the headache. Maybe I'll never know. Maybe it's better that way. While my pool was ripped, chopped, and beat into the garbage I could only watch. My neighbor passed away leaving the water running in his kitchen for days, and I couldn't do a thing. As I lost my job, my school program and everything that I thought I needed I could only let go. Now I was pain free and things were still falling apart all around me. It's not my responsibility to keep the balance. I can only rely 100% on God, and do my best to love him and the other people around me. I don't know if this is the lesson that I was supposed to learn during this time, but I'm pretty excited that I'm walking away with something.

up close and personal

maybe i was born to...

june 11, 2010 started out as a beyond perfect day. my lovely boyfriend turned 22, and a couple minutes after 12 we realized that his birthday had started. we were both possibly equally excited. i was excited because i had the entire day planned out and couldn't wait to give him his presents. he was excited because it was his birthday, and he had a couple other things up his sleeve. we woke up in the morning and began the birthday celebration with a quick breakfast. coffee was obviously involved in our morning routine as well as the present exchange.

ian seemed thrilled by his birthday present, two tickets for thrice (his favorite band) that we would be attending next week in the city, and a travel coffee mug from starbucks. we set out for our day filled with surprises. the broadway diner was our first stop and we both had burgers for lunch. after our lunch we crossed the street and began our journey touring ikea.

we found dishes and silverware that we loved. we spotted the coffee presses and mugs that we hope to fill our non-existent kitchen cabinets with. all the while i enjoyed dreaming about what our lives together could be like.

we tested armchairs, sofas, and coffee tables. we compared what we liked and found that we agreed on everything. i heard off in the distance the Little Mermaid and followed the sound. the movie was playing in the children's area. i was thrilled. everything seemed perfect.

after checking out almost every showroom we left our land of home goods and hit the road again. as we headed to the roosevelt field mall i began talking in a ridiculous voice. (i am known to mimic, create, and go a little overboard on voices. i dream of being discovered one day and being a character for the latest animated children's movie. but that's just a side-note). we arrived at the mall and hit up the starbucks. we decided to sit down and savor our coffee. we realized that the couches that we were sitting on were surrounded by some very interesting mall shoppers who all had a good 30-50 years on us. ian was being disturbed by an elderly man in a suit with a free sample of organic juice. the man was very excited to share the good news with ian and wound up spilling the contents all over his suit jacket and pants. before we left we captured this picture.

a-team was playing at the movie theatre and we hit that up. the movie was pretty decent and kept both of our attention. i was leaning on ian's shoulder thinking about how intensely in love i felt and how much i want to make him happy. sometimes when we are quiet, or are pre-occupied with something else going on my mind will still find a way to wander back to him. every time he laughed at something i smiled. it sounds cheesy but i've never felt so genuine about someone's happiness. seeing him enjoying himself puts sparks into my heart. after the movie we spent some more time walking around the mall. ian bought spiffy white shoes. i found a super deal on underwear. overall we had a successful shopping day.

i had one more stop planned and that was dinner. pizza was on the menu and i took ian to little vincent's in ronkonkoma. it was a rockin' friday night there but we found a table conveniently located next to the most obnoxious customer. it's becoming a trend that if you put the both of us together odd people flock our way. awkward situations are finding us out. we roll with them. we demolished two slices of pizza each. one pepperoni and one plain with additional cold cheese. it was delicious. ian asked if we could drive down by the water, which is something we usually do and i said sure.

i decided to drive to one of the docks that we frequent often. it just so happens to be the place we shared our first kiss. it was extremely memorable because it was pouring rain that day, and the wind was so strong it was pelting gravel against my car. the entire vehicle was shaking and the bay was practically empty. the docks that are usually filled with boats were nearly dry, and a few lonely souls were out walking across the water with metal detectors. i felt like we were going to die, or that it could be one of the most amazing moments we would ever share. i needed to be close to him, and luckily he wanted to be close to me. but this day was calm, cool, and beautiful. the water was exactly where it should be, and the parking lot was filled with cars with passengers loading onto the ferry. i pulled into a parking spot and rolled down the windows. ian asked if we could walk around the dock for a bit, so i quickly rolled the windows back up and turned the car off. we strolled down the walkway holding hands and talking about my headache that i can't seem to get rid of. i was a bit chilly and i was thanking God i put jeans on with my dress. we decided to turn around and ian planted himself on a wooden bench. he asked if there was enough lighting to take a picture and i replied sure, why not? as he got up to get his camera i started fixing my hair to make sure i would look good. when i glanced at him he was on his knee without a camera but a box in his hand. my eyes wandered to the diamond ring placed strategically inside and for a minute i thought, "is he proposing to me right now?" i finally realized that he was and asked, "are you serious?" he responded with, "well there's a ring in there right?" i began repeating, "oh my gosh, oh my gosh!" and he asked me to marry him. i finally got out the word, "yes!" he sat next to me and slid the ring on my finger. perfect fit. we kissed and i cried. he held me tightly as i was shaking with excitement. music was playing in the background and the scenery was beautiful. i always wanted to be by the water when i got engaged. it was a very intimate and perfect for us. it was completely natural yet one of the most life-changing moments i've ever experienced. the ring was the first piece of jewelry i ever received from someone other than family. i was shocked and overjoyed simultaneously. i was supposed to be the one surprising him, yet he gave me the biggest surprise of my life.

, 

i asked if my mom knew about this, and apparently she did. ian decided to drive home, which was brilliant because i stared at the ring the whole time. i couldn't wait to see my parents and i smiled as i walked through the front door. they were excited for us, and the rest of the night was spent with phone calls and text messages filling our cellular devices. we watched a recorded dave matthews band concert and continually called each other fiance. i didn't want the day to end. however all night i repeatedly woke up to check my finger to make sure the ring was still there. i've never been so excited, and sure about something. ian is absolutely the man of my dreams, my best friend, my fiance, and loves me like i've never been loved before. i couldn't be more blessed.

maybe i was born to hold you in these arms

maybe i was born to hold you in these arms

maybe i was born to hold you in these arms

maybe i was born to hold you in these arms