sleep don't weep

there are stories about the night i was born how i couldn't sleep. the nurses didn't know what to do with me, so naturally they put me in with all the baby boys. however their brilliant plan backfired because i kept them all awake. bewildered they brought me bundled into my mom's room. they explained that every other baby was sound asleep and that they didn't know what to do. my mom asked for me, and as they handed me to her she says she saw my big eyes wide open and she knew that there was something about me...

i remember waiting to be tucked in by my parents as a little girl. they would come in, pull my picture books off my bed and put them on my dresser. i was a talker and i would have to tell them everything about my day (meanwhile i spent the day with them..) they would kiss my forehead and pray over me. i remember laying there feet against my slanted ceiling waiting for sleep. i never wanted to sleep. it was completely a hassle in my little brain.

i remember being old enough to put myself to bed and hearing the knock at the door when it was time to shut the lights out and go to sleep, and i would always call out, "five more minutes!" i discovered reading by flashlight, and was busted quite a few times. waking up the next morning for school was torture and i vowed i would go to be earlier that night. yet again around 8:00 pm my second wind arrived and i was awake for hours.

i've gone through periods of time where sleep has been a luxury, or i ease into it. lately it seems whenever i'm exhausted during the day i can sleep easily, yet night is still a chore. i feel like a fourteen year old knowing i need to go to bed but can't seem to fall asleep even if you paid me.

i'm utterly exhausted though.

pet peeve

I am really sick of seeing KY commercials and Trojan condom commercials. Not only are they extremely awkward but they just make sex sound like a joke. Condom commercials are the worst, a young couple (usually not married) barrelling down the 24 hour-convenience store aisle nearly knocking down the elderly woman in their path because they need to get home to bang. They have these ridiculous smiles pinned across their faces and they are acting like the end of the world is about to occur if they don't find the box of condoms they just ran out of.

Or the Asian couple who is stereotypically a "quiet couple" but throw a little KY into the mix and all bets are off, volume decibels will rise and then they will have a better sex life. They thankfully show us a before and after so we can truly see what a good time they really just had. (Thanks for the visual!)

Thank you commercials for teaching us how to have good sex (I wonder what Adam and Eve did to figure it out..maybe they used AV?aloe vera... bad joke).

A coma might feel better than this..

I painted for the first time in five years.

I'm definitely not happy with my results,

but I tried to not be the perfectionist that I am.

I think I'm learning to not take myself so seriously.

I mean where is the fun in life if you are always striving?

I'm never going to grasp perfection.

I'm still going to put effort in. I'm still going to try.

But I want to have a little fun. I think that's a good balance.

I typically paint in layers. Today wasn't different.

After each layer is finished it needs to dry.

This means I need to be patient enough to let it dry.

A couple times I dipped my brush in the paint and smeared it on the canvas and it blurred.

I didn't wait long enough. I had to set the brush down again and wait.

I feel like I'm always learning another aspect of patience.

I remember living in Hawaii and how it was actually a struggle for me.

Everyone there was typically 20-30 minutes late guaranteed.

It frustrated the heck out of me, because I enjoy being early on right on time.

I felt like I was always waiting.

There are other aspects in my life that waiting has played its part in.

School is my personal waiting enemy.

It seems like every time I seem to get far enough to just about finish there is a road block or speed bump that throws me off course.

Here we go again, take 34. Recalculating route.

If only I had a GPS to throw me right back in the game.

I am starting to really get sick of waiting for the pain to go away.

I'm tired of waiting for results.

I'm done waiting for better days, and to wake up feeling good.

I want to eliminate the waiting.

I know if I did that though I would miss out on some sort of lesson.

Some sort of trust, patience, learning process or life skill that I need.

But, in all honesty I just wanna be like hey, I got this. I'm set.

I'm glad I'm not in control of painting my life picture.

I'd probably give up.

I'm glad God has enough patience for me, and sees all the possibilities.

I guess I just need to let the paint dry in between.

got aura?

One of the problems I've been having is something called aura. It's the warning sign of an oncoming migraine. It is the vision blurring, hearing problems and numbness that I first experienced. (Meanwhile all my doctors were trying to say I was anxious... and they are supposedly specialists... figures). Apparently 20% of migraine sufferers have this issue. I guess I'm part of the bunch. I don't want to be. I hope I'm not developing migraines for long-term. However, this past week I've felt really inspired. Then I read something that got my attention.

Did you know?

Lewis Carroll suffered with migraine with aura. His warning was a visual change or distortion of figures and shapes from which he got many of his ideas for the book Alice in Wonderland.

So obviously I'm wondering what kind of psychedelic art-book I'm going to write during this time. Who knows...

headaches, habits, and love

For three weeks I have had a severe headache. We're not talking a little pain, or something a couple Tylenol pills can fix here. It's persistent and just won't quit.
It all started with my vision blurring, a shooting, sharp pain across my forehead, coupled with some lack of hearing and speech. Luckily the vision, hearing, and speech are all restored but I can't seem to shake this headache. Hospitalization, sleep, pills, homeopathic treatments, walking, cutting out caffeine, adding caffeine, resting, nothing seems to be working. They say it takes 21 days to form a habit. I think I've created a habit of being used to pain. The pain hasn't lessened but I am just responding to it as the "norm." I'm not saying this is a good "habit" or anything like that. But, in the past 3 weeks I've really been able to see where my priorities are, where I would spend most of my time, and what I really want. It's been 21 days and in the beginning I couldn't even have a light on. Now I am able to be out in the sun and not be completely blinded. I feel like my self-realization is gradually following the same format. When this first happened I was scared, upset, and annoyed that everything was put on hold. Now that I'm in the middle of this I am accepting the fact that I'm not in control. It's not easy but maybe the things I was running so hard after aren't exactly what I need to be doing. I feel like there is a shifting going on. I'm at a fork in the road and I'm waiting. For the first time I'm okay with being here. What i wanted before were healthy things, but I just don't see them fitting into my life now. Not only that but they have been taken away from me. It's a loss that I definitely feel. Before I take off running i want to make sure I run in the right direction. and then there's love. Normally I would be experiencing all this alone. This time is different. I have someone to pray for me, to back me up, to love me and take care of me. I've never had this before. as scary as this all has been, I have someone to be with. My heart is thrilled to have found someone that gets me, and loves me despite what I'm going through. It's been hard for me to be vulnerable and honest about my current situation. I ultimately want to that super energetic, ready for anything type of a person. I don't like asking for help or others having to see me in pain. This applies even more to those that I really care about. This time I was able to be myself though. That helps me realize even more that I am with who I should be. In the deepest parts of my heart I feel a peace. I've met my best friend, my partner, the one who I want to spend the rest of my life with. Through everything he has shown me what love really is. I'm confident that this won't be the first and last hard thing we will go through together, but I would rather have him by my side than anyone else. I read a book a year ago about giving God the pen to your life story. The concept is awesome, giving the Author of Creation the pen to your life and asking Him to write your story. However, living it out is another thing. I think what I'm going through right now is just an example of that. The things that I wanted weren't wrong. The goals that I made were healthy. The dreams I had were good. But, they were more or less my dreams, my goals, my things. I think I need to stop thinking that I have it all figured out. I need to give God the pen back. I need to ask Him to write my future. I wish He wrote it in my blog.