2010!

"so this is the new year, and i don't feel any different," [deathcabforcutie]

this line has always been my anthem.
every year i always make this the thought of my new year's eve.
i always think of a week into january.
when everything is supposed to be "different."
when new year's resolutions should be in full swing.
it justifies not having to change.
it makes it easier to settle.

but this isn't my anthem anymore.
i've grown up this year, and i've done a lot of soul searching.
i know who i am, and who i want to be.
i'm not singing this tune.
because the truth is, i already feel different.
i'm excited for what the new year is going to bring.
bring it on 2010.

the swell season

maybe i was born to hold [you] in these arms.

oh the holidays...
bring out the best,
and the worst
in us all.

desire

John 17:24 (New King James Version)

24 “Father, I desire that they also whom You gave Me may be with Me where I am, that they may behold My glory which You have given Me; for You loved Me before the foundation of the world.


de⋅sire
–verb (used with object)
1. to wish or long for; crave; want.
2. to express a wish to obtain; ask for; request
–noun
3. a longing or craving, as for something that brings satisfaction or enjoyment
4. an expressed wish; request.
5. something desired.

this is my God. He desires me. this is amazing.
i love him.

every prayer

I heard 'em say He brought me from a mighty long way
And now today I can testify that I believe it
And on my way I realized He's the one who kept me
When the storms of life arise, sleepless nights and desperate cries
He has captured every tear assuring me He hears

Every prayer, waiting on the answer only to discover He is near
And He hears every prayer for He has done great things
And I believe He's a God that always answers prayer

I heard 'em say the prayers of the righteous availeth much
And now today I can testify that I believe it
Now on my way I wanna let you know that He will keep you
When the storms of life arise, sleepless nights and desperate cries
He's captured every tear assuring me that He hears

Every prayer, waiting on the answer only to discover He is near
And He hears every prayer for He has done great things
I believe He's a God that always answers prayer

Don't despise the tears you've cried
Or the prayers that you have prayed
Heaven heard your every word
And the answer, the answer's on the way

I heard 'em say there is an answer on the way
My God has done so many great things, great things
Hold on and you will see there is an answer on the way
My God has done so many great things, great things

Oh, there is an answer on the way
My God has done so many great things, great things
Hold on, hold on, there is an answer on the way
My God has done so many great things, great things

Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on
You can make it, you can make it
You can make it for he has done great things

I believe He's a God that always
I believe He's a God that always
I believe He's a God who always answers prayers
Yes, He does

catch 22

"You are the dark ocean bottom
And I am the fast sinking anchor
Should I fall for you"

i'm trying to realize that timing is key.
i can't drop anchor too soon,
i need to see if it's the right place to station myself.
i need to know if this is where i should be,
but your waters are so inviting,
and i have a calm that i've never felt,
but i don't wanna jump ship.
i can give orders that sound good to everyone,
but if i have to follow them it's harder.
i'm just trying to trust.
trying to hope.
trying to dream.
i'm done looking for a place to fish.
i have my eyes set on the catch,
and that's all i see.

if i am your girl, will you be my guy?

song of sweetness

this was in the devotional that i read today, i thought it was beautiful, i've read it before but i figured i'd share it.

once i heard a song of sweetness,
as i cleft the morning air,
sounding in its blest completeness,
like a tender, pleading prayer;
and i sought to find the singer,
whence the wondrous song was borne;
and i found a bird, sore wounded,
pinioned by a cruel thorn.

i have seen a soul in sadness,
while its wings with pain were furl'd,
giving hope, and cheer and gladness
that should bless a weeping world
and i knew that life of sweetness,
was of pain and sorrow borne,
and a stricken soul was singing,
with its heart against the thorn.

ye are told of One who loved you,
of a Saviour crucified,
ye are told of nails that pinioned,
and a spear that pierced His side;
ye are told of cruel scourging,
of a Saviour bearing scorn,
and He died for your salvation,
with His brow against a thorn.

ye "are not above the Master."
will you breathe a sweet refrain?
and His grace will be sufficient,
when your heart is pierced with pain.
will you live to bless His loved ones,
tho' your life be bruised and torn,
like the bird that sang so sweetly,
with its heart against a thorn?
-Selected from Streams in the Desert

six months

six months.
15,638,400 seconds
260,640 minutes
4344 hours
181 days
25 weeks (rounded down)=
6 months
a lot can happen in that time frame.
i hope in six months i am continually growing in my relationship with God.
i really think i will be looking back on today and thanking God for the past six months,
the lessons, trials, tears, laughs, prayers, songs, and life i've experienced during this time.
i'm ready to live to the fullest.
God I'm ready.

impossible

i should be sleeping.
i'm wide-awake.
and all i can think about is impossible possibilities.
and this picture is amazing.

shine

in days where the sun doesn't always shine brightly some situations can brighten your day.
the kind of things you wait all week to hear, maybe you lost sleep because of it.
maybe your appetite significantly decreased and you kept forgetting what was next, because in the back of your mind you were wondering about [that] maybe you cried, maybe you laughed at yourself thinking "there's no way" and then when it happens all the ways you pre-imagined yourself reacting fall away. and you are speechless. it takes time to sink in. maybe it hasn't fully felt real yet. maybe it won't for a while. but something in you picks up that fight. and you know deep down that things will get better. [and maybe they've only just begun.] and you weren't an idiot. all the times you felt that. it shows that you aren't now, and you have to accept that. maybe you didn't think this would happen. maybe you didn't think you would ever try. and now you have, and you didn't fail, if anything you're better off, way better off. and things are starting to look like they are making sense. maybe you've been so scared, of following your heart, because it's mislead you so many times. you didn't know if you could take anymore. what would it do to you? how would you cope? but somewhere there was a disconnect from those thoughts, and the real you shone through all the stuff that clouds your thoughts. maybe you have no idea what i'm talking about. maybe you do. but either way, don't give up. keep the fight in you. you're worth it. no matter what anyone else tries to tell you. no matter how many things disappoint you. the sun has to shine eventually. and when it doesn't, look for it shining in your life. it's all in the little things.

and this..

i love this

hurry up and get here

john mayer knows exactly how i feel.
this song is called "love song for no one"

Staying home alone on a Friday
Flat on the floor looking back
On old love
Or lack thereof
After all the crushes are faded
And all my wishful thinking was wrong
I'm jaded
I hate it

I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
Get here

Searching all my days just to find you
I'm not sure who I'm looking for
I'll know it
When I see you
Until then, I'll hide in my bedroom
Staying up all night just to write
A love song for no one

I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here

I could have met you in a sandbox
I could have passed you on the sidewalk
Could I have missed my chance
And watched you walk away?
Oh no way

I could have met you in a sandbox
I could have passed you on the sidewalk
Could I have missed my chance
And watched you walk away?

I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
I'm so tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here oh yeah

I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
I'm so tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here

You'll be so good
You'll be so good for me

disconnect

i have to find a way, to stay here.
no matter what i do my heart just crosses the water.
i don't know if it belongs on the other side of the shore,
but my feet are still on this side.
how is there such a disconnect.
it makes me think about what the immigrants coming through ellis island must've felt.
they still hadn't arrived.
they would stare out this window and see more water that needed crossing.
how would they get there,
they longed to be free.
just like me.

today

today i had one of those days that was long, but had amazing results.
i am finally officially a music major.
i got into all the classes i wanted for next semester.
i will be graduating in a year.
i am so excited.
i just feel like things are finally happening.
i've been working so hard to get to this place, and i had a lot of odds against me.
but i'm here. i did it. and i'm so happy.
i think january is going to be awesome. i just feel it.
and this time i'm ready for it.
i've been waiting for it.
but i'm also excited to finish out this year.
i often check out come November and just focus on January.
but i am just enjoying where i'm at and where i'm going.

ellis island/statue of liberty

paperback, hardcover, or hidden

i walked around barnes and nobles today for about a half hour before my friend met me there for some much needed coffee.
i looked through the different sections starting at music, then off to art, and ended up at the christian section.
as i stumbled around i began thinking about all the different authors.
how many hours and days, years, and lifetimes were poured out into the pages that surrounded me.
how many books go unnoticed.
and if i were a book in that store what would i be?
would i be sitting in the shelf dusty? or would the people who work there know exactly where i belong because i barely ever had a shelf life.
which is better? which is more useful?
i'd like to think i'd be the hidden book, waiting for that special someone to hand pick me, and be so delighted to find me, because well you had been searching for me all over the place, maybe you even looked at the shelf a hundred times, and just never saw me until you weren't looking for me anymore. would they clasp me tightly and proudly hand me off to be purchased. walking out of the store inviting me into your world. placing me on your passenger seat to go wherever you were headed to.
would i stay at your bedside? i would i be cried on? would i be marked, highlighted, and read aloud? my inner secrets made known to others, but if it were by you then that'd be fine. would you tell others about me? would you forget me? and once again pick me up and spend hours and days together. would i inspire you? would you relate to me? would you believe my story? would you want more? would you look to another book but still keep me as your favorite? would you spill coffee on me one morning? would my pages be torn? would you throw me into a corner? would you gently place me down before bed?

i almost think

music has been filling the silence.
[your] absence is still felt.
i wish i had a song to fill the void.
to explain how you can miss someone you've never met.
but all i have are the feelings.
maybe soon i will be able to say exactly how i feel.
but right now i know i'm in the midst of it.
and there's no backing out, or calling it quits.
i'm in, all in, and maybe that's why it's so hard.
i know i'm still in the intro, our first verse hasn't even begun.
and i dream in chords of what our chorus will say.
as anxiously as i am to start recording i know it takes two,
i'm waiting for your que.

i woke to

i woke up to a buzzing sound.
i'm allergic to bees so my immediate reaction was fear.
i mean it was loud, and it woke me.
i looked around, laptop was closed.
alarm clock off, cellphone not vibrating.
i couldn't figure it out until i looked up.
in the window beside my bed was a ladybug trapped in the window.
i was first shocked that it was that loud that i would be able to hear it.
i opened the window and freed it.
and then i sat there.
how often do i feel like i'm screened in, screaming and no one can hear me?
how many times have i been just staring out at the world that i so desperately long to change and live in, yet i can't get out of the glass box, my cage. how i long to fly.
to be free. but then i thought about something else.
i heard the ladybug, who hears me when i'm in a similar situation?
i believe with all my heart that God does.
it doesn't make sense, look how small i am to him, he could squash me in a heartbeat if he really wanted to.
yet, he hears my buzzing, he hears my discomfort, my longings, my pleas and my prayers.
i wake his heart to free me, to save me, to hold me.
it really just blows my mind.

what is it that drives you?

Photo Credit: Shutterstock




i'm wondering what it is that drives [you]?
what drives me?
why do i stay on the road, where am i heading?
what "detours" am i crossing?
where am i being re-routed and thinking it's just a waste of my time?
no there are some turns that may not be on the original trip that you thought you were taking.
what matters most is what we do during those times when the GPS is saying, "re-calculating route please wait"







the point is it isn't all about reaching at the destination.
sure one day we will get there but it's about the journey.
if we rush each mile, each day, each step we will miss the whole point.
i don't want to miss out. i want to wear the miles on me.
i want to eventually look like someone who has lived in the moment.
i don't specifically know what the end of the road looks like for me,
but i'm excited to travel to get there.










Hebrews 12:1-3
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. 2Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

Empire State of Mind

still can't get over it.

oh how did i miss this?

how did i miss a movie about bob dylan played by christian bale?! that just blows my mind entirely.
where was i in 2007 when it came out?

i have no idea

the yankees won the world series for the 27th time.
i was very into watching each game, i'm not even gonna lie.
i forgot about homework and just enjoyed watching the games with my dad,
bonding time. he even made hot wings one night and i chanted "i'm one of the boys now daddy" over and over again til he gave me that look. you know the look, like what on earth are you talking about, and you're left feeling like an idiot but you still have the urge to do whatever it was that you were doing one more time. so i did.

i stayed after class tonight and showed my professor pictures of my trip to China. she was completely shocked that i lived there for two months, and i enjoyed showing that part of who i am. we got into discussing her travels and she showed my pictures of one of her trips to Japan. it was pretty cool connecting to someone who has a doctorate and is so incredibly brilliant. for 15 minutes we were on the same level, there was no degree talk, no status or ranking, we were two women showing pictures of our travels, talking about food, hotels, airports, and the bathrooms there!

i have accepted the fact that i am a teachers pet. i have also accepted the fact that suffolk is not the place for me. its just a stepping stone. that i can go to scsu or wherever i want to go. i have the ability to and just because its scary shouldn't keep me from it. i am a nerd. i like buying new notebooks, and using cool pens, and my mechanical pencils that help me be extremely precise when writing music. every paper i write comes back with a red letter A on it. i almost feel guilty when i'm asked "what'd ya get?" but i did the work.

i had a soy latte at starbucks today. it took me an hour to drink. that's the longest i think it has ever taken me to drink what i got at starbucks, i was impressed.

minus the cigarette

then he's perfect.

i think these are awesome

i want them! or a polaroid camera <3

turn it around

take what i have, everything in me,
and turn it around.
please make it beautiful,
because that all i really long for,
to have the things that i regret,
turned around and not be the things that pin me down.
i'm not ashamed, i know i am forgiven.
just please let me not get caught in the shadows.
i wanna see your light.

maybe

i want someone to hold my hand,
and tell me when it's raining that the sun will come out soon.
i want to have someone draw me a picture so that i can put it on my bulletin board.
i know you exist but i'm getting weary.
i don't want to be cynical but it's hard when i'm surrounded by cheap imitations.
i find myself not connecting, because i know ultimately it'll be a sham.
it's easier to pull away if there's no lasting emotions attached to it.
i want someone to walk with on the beach, who will wear scarves with me, and let them blow in the wind.
who will button up their vests, and take pictures in the leaves.
who will play music with me, and drink hot coffee, and watch my favorite movies.
maybe what im describing is just a friend.
maybe that's all i need.

<3

Psalm 42:7-8
Deep calls to deep
in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers
have swept over me.

By day the LORD directs his love,
at night his song is with me—
a prayer to the God of my life.

Pick of the day: No One Underground

so back in '07 i had the joy of being able to watch eric samuel timm create.
he is one of the most amazing artists i've ever seen.
i have three pieces of his artwork, and in my videos on youtube and here you can see the bottom of one that i got as a present.

i was browsing his site tonight and i read something that is absolutely awesome. it was so true and i agree with every word.

"
XLV-XII-I "Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God-this is your spiritual act of worship."

Worship is not just a song service. Worship is doing: feeding someone, rescuing someone, loving someone, being Jesus to the least of these. Sometimes your hands need to get dirty instead of just playing church. Worship with dirty hands means actually doing what the bible says, not just talking about it. Go Worship With Dirty Hands."

please check out his site http://www.nooneunderground.com/

don't cha

i think this version is flippin amazing.
i discovered this video a couple weeks ago.
gosh i love her.

confession

if you ever wanna get me to cry, just put extreme home makeover on, guaranteed tears.

favorite <3

500 days of Summer

i am seriously in love with this movie.

From Captivating

"The longings God has written deep in your heart are telling you something essential about what it means to be a woman, and the life he meant for you to live. Now we know- many of those desires have gone unmet, or been assaulted, or simply so long neglected, that most women end up living two lives. On the surface we are busy, efficient, professional, even. We are getting by. On the inside women lose themselves in a fantasy world or in cheap novels, or we give ourselves over to food or some other addiction to numb the ache of our hearts. But your heart is still there, crying out to be set free, to find the life you desires tell you of....

The Evil One had a hand in all that has happened to you. If he didn't arrange for the assault directly- and certainly human sin has a large enough role to play- then he made sure he drove the message of the wounds home in your heart. He is the one who has dogged your heels with shame and self-doubt and accusation. He is the one who offers the false comforters to you in order to deepen your bondage. He is the one who has done these things in order to prevent your restoration. For that is what he fears. He fears who you are; what you might become. He fears your beauty and your life-giving heart."

like you promised cover

ah i still love them.

i loved the both of their music, then i loved them in once.

they dated they broke up.

they continued to make music.

i think the thing that i love about them is their honesty.

full article @ http://www.nytimes.com/2009/10/18/arts/music/18davi.html?pagewanted=1&_r=1&ref=music

shore

i know i'm just aimlessly wandering,

and you're totally out of the way.

but i thought that could be better,

and now i remember,

that i always do this.

i'm trying to stop myself,

from repeating this sick cycle.

i've got to stop, if i ever want to reach [you].

but i'll search the shore til you are in sight.

if that means passing by the wrongs,

to find the right.

i'll take a picture,

and carry you all with me,

because sometimes i just need some company,

but every day i'll let the waters wash them away,

along with my footprints so i can never go back.

are you wandering in my direction?

on a mission to find the other side?

i hope our paths will collide.

me

free

"A little bird I am,

Shut from the field of air,

And in my cage I sit and sing

To Him who placed me there;

Well pleased a prisoner to be,

Because, My God, it pleaseth Thee.

My cage confines me round,

Abroad I cannot fly,

But though my wing is closely bound

My soul is at liberty;

For prison walls cannot control

The flight, the freedom of the soul.

I have learnt to love the darkness of sorrow, there you see the brightness of His face."

-Madame Guyon

pick of the day

thefuntheory.com

<3

everything tells me [you] don't exist.

everything tells me [ you] do.

is this what love is?

hold on, my heart, hold on, hold on.

pick of the day

www.tomsshoes.com

6,772,510,351

there are 6,772,510,351 people in the world as i start to write this.

there are 6,772,510,350 other people out there in the world besides me..

there are 6,772,510,350 other lives being lived..

there are 6,772,510,350 other hearts beating..

there are 6,772,510,350 other stories besides mine..

there are 6,772,510,350 other dreams out there..

there are 6,772,510,350 other people who could've at some point or will at some point have a broken heart..

there are 6,772,510,350 other accomplishments out there..

there are 6,772,510,350 other disappointments out there..

there are 6,772,510,350 other people who have had good days, and bad days.

i have been alive 8,102 days.

tomorrow will be 8,103.

each day counts.

each person counts.

i count.

you count.

and just think... God knows each person intimately.

can you do the math?

i can't..

God knows every single day that has passed in my life.

He knows where i was 1,345 days ago...I do not.

He knows what I was like when I was only 365 days old..I don't.

i think you get the point.

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

ooh by the way there are now 6,772,512, 281 people in the world now.

proverbs 29:18

without a vision people perish.

i don't want to perish.

God give me your eyes to see.

i totally

have a love hate relationship with long island...

i can totally identify

i can totally identify with the following passage that i'm going to quote. not only has this been a major lesson that i am still in the process of learning, but this has been one of the major things i've struggled with over the past couple years. being content where God has placed you...

"I longed to walk along an easy road,

And leave behind the dull routine of home,

Thinking in other fields to serve my God;

But Jesus said, "My time has not yet come."

I longed to sow the seed in other soil,

To be unfettered in the work, and free,

To join with other laborers in their toil;

But Jesus said, "Tis not My choice for thee."

I longed to leave the desert, and be led

To work where souls were sunk in sin and shame,

That I might win them, But the Master said,

"I have not called thee, publish here My name."

I longed to fight the battles of my King,

Lift high his standards in the thickest strife;

But my great Captain bade me wait and sing,

Songs of His conquests in my quiet life.

I longed to leave the uncongenial sphere,

Where all alone I seemed to stand and wait,

To feel I had some human helper near,

But Jesus bade me guard one lonely gate.

I longed to leave the round of daily toil,

Where no one seemed to understand or care;

But Jesus said, "I choose for thee this soil,

That thou might'st raise for Me some blossoms rare."

And now I have no longing but to do

At home, or else afar, His blessed will,

To work amid the many or the few;

Thus," choosing not to choose," my heart is still."

(From Streams in the desert.)

Isaiah 30:18 "Blessed are all they that wait for him."

I think this is even harder when you've gone out onto the "mission field."

I so long to be there. And the life I'm leading seems at time insignificant.

But God I pray you would use me, wherever.

like you promised

the lyrics to come like you promised, amber brooks

Stir these stagnant waters of my soul Merge me with Your river which springs life I don’t have all the right words to say That will provoke You to want me Anymore than you already do

So won't You come Come like You promised Pour out Your Spirit Pour out Your Spirit

Come into my darkness where I hide Pull me into Your arms Your arms of peace Reaching past my hiding Oh, reach out to my running Oh, Lord, come fill my soul with Your love

You love like a Father You love like a brother You love like a Lion Fierce Like no other You violently chase me Down, to embrace me Engulf me

In who you are

i've been set on this song for weeks.

i identify with it on so many different levels.

encore encore encore

i'm in a bit of a bind here, you see i love technology, i love the fact that i can sit, type, and post my thoughts and feelings, but there's also something that i dislike about the internet. i feel like it's created a "demand" effect on my generation and others surrounding.

i feel like we are so used to clicking to get what we want, we want a faster internet speed, we want text messaging, and instant responses such as instant messaging or any other messaging system that mimics the previous format. however patience goes out the window. we expect more. we want more, and we aren't satisfied when we don't get what we want. we like short concise points, don't give us a book to read, give us the review, don't expect to confront people and talk, just send an email. don't play board games, sit on facebook and use the apps for online games. now i'm just rambling, but the point is i wish sometimes things would just slow down.

today was my first day of school again, so far success. we actually talked about the previous thought, supply and demand has expanded because of the internet. which in turn causes more effect on the environment. yeah that was geology.

i killed the biggest mosquito i've ever seen in my entire life tonight. holy west nile.

i went to a cute coffee shop "the spoon" tonight with a friend. we had fun.

i am so ready for breakthrough. i'm so thankful for the season i am now in. i'm trusting.

your love never changes!

"you make all things work together for my good!"

that's such a freeing thing! that no matter the circumstance God knows our hearts, he knows where we need to be encouraged, where we need to be sharpened, where we need time, where we need to step it up, he knows.

and you can rest in that.

i am coming into a new season. i am starting school again on tuesday, and i find myself feeling bittersweet because this precious time that i've had is moving quickly out of my hands, and i know it's time. i'm finishing a journal that i stared writing in around May. and it was my first absolute consistent journal with one common theme, one common cry, one common thought that spread from page to page. i want more of Jesus, i'm so hungry for him to take over ever part of my life.

my birthday

i'm 22...my how the years have gone by!

setting the sails

"we cannot create the wind or set it in motion, but we can set our sails to catch it when it comes!"

i so long to be positioned, preparing and ready to pick up momentum at the second i hear His voice.

what a joy it is when He comes and picks you up and sets you on course, in the direction He wants you to go.

truth honesty all of the above?

sometimes i'll admit i get pretty annoyed when i see things that are far from the truth.

i feel like with all this technology people can pretend that they are whoever they wanna be,

that they do whatever will make them cool, and can choose to edit or revise their lives.

it's kinda scary when you think about it.

put your best foot forward, and if that's not good enough lie!

it really makes me sick.

it bothers me how often i've fallen for it.

people that say they play guitars and yet don't even know which string is which, or how to even tune it. doesn't that come with playing it? wouldn't you have to pick it up in order to do so?

i'm over people enhancing their few accomplishments.

i'm over people pretending to live when in all actuality they can't get outta bed.

wake up people, and live the life, don't just talk about it.

talk is cheap.

From Streams in the desert

*I re-wrote this in plain everyday english.

I thought this was probably the coolest things I've read in a devotional.

Plus it was extremely fitting because I was in Connecticut on a worship seminar weekend.

The entire day we were studying chords, and modes, and key signatures and a bunch of really great useful stuff. (http://www.ignite2008.com/)

There are songs that can only be learned in the valley.

No art can teach them; no rules of voice can make them perfectly sung.

Their music is in the heart.

They are songs of memory, of personal experience.

They bring out their burden from the shadow of the past;

they mount on the wings of yesterday.

John says that even in heaven there will be a song that can only fully be sung by the sons of earth- the strain of redemption.

Doubtless is a song of triumph,

a hymn of victory to Christ who made us free.

But the sense of triumph must come from the memory of chains.

No angel, no archangel can sing it so sweetly as I can.

To sing it as I sing it, they must pass through my exile, and they can't do this.

None can learn it but the children of the cross.

And so, my soul, you are receiving a music lesson from your Father.

You are being educated for the choir invisible.

There are parts of the symphony that no one can take but you.

There are chords too minor for the angels. 

There may be heights in the symphony that are beyond the scale- heights that angels alone can reach; but there are depths that belong to you, and that can only be touched by you!

Your Father is training you for the part the angels can't sing; and the school is sorrow.

I have heard many say that he sends sorrow to prove you, but! he sends sorrow to educate you, to train you for the choir invisible.

In the night he is preparing your song.

In the valley he is tuning your voice. 

In the clouds he is deepening your chords.

In the rain he is sweetening your melody.

In the cold he is molding your expression.

In the transition from hope to fear he is perfecting your lights.

Don't despise the school of sorrow, O my soul; It will give you a unique part in the universal song.

--George Matheson

Just a little bit about George...

(Scottish theologian George Matheson was the remarkable blind preacher and hymn-writer of 'O Love That Wilt Not Let Me Go.' Born on March 27, 1842 in Glasgow, Scotland, he was totally blind when he wrote this heartwarming hymn.

Dr Matheson had partial vision as a boy and by the time he was 18, he was completely blind. He described his writing as the "fruit of much mental suffering." He never married, and was aided by a devoted sister throughout his ministry. She learned Greek, Latin, and Hebrew in order to aid him in his studies.

Matheson's Career and Recognition

Despite handicap, Matheson had a brilliant career at the Glasgow Academy, University of Glasgow and the Church of Scotland Seminary. Amazingly, he obtained BA, MA and BD degrees. He was a scholar and graduated with honors. He received the honorary DD of the University of Edinburgh in 1879.

For 18 years, Matheson became parish minister of Innellan, Argyllshire. He was lecturer at Baird and St Giles, and a pastor of the 2,000 member St. Bernard's Parish (1886). The University of Aberdeen conferred on him an honorary LLD (1902). He became one of Scotland's outstanding preachers and pastors, where his eloquent preaching consistently attracted large crowds.

Faint with Love

I stayed up all night looking for the one my heart loves,

and there was no sight of you.

I kept fighting sleep, so I got on my feet,

and went out looking for you.

And my heart longs for you,

but where could you be?

Others tried to pose as you,

but I could see through their disguise,

cause I know there was no fire like the fire in my lovers eyes.

Where are you my lover?

I've been searching all night.

Please return o me,

cause I can't see clearly without the light of your eyes.

For I am faint,

For I am faint,

For I am faint with love.

waves

waves break on the shoreline,
and i wish they would carry away all my thoughts.
because the morning always comes 
with all the worries that get in the way.

so come break on me
so come drag me back
so come wash over me
so come pick me up
and carry me away

should i just let go
and let the waters overtake me?
are you the water surrounding me?
or the sand that is grounding me?
are you the waves pounding on my head?

why don't you find me?
(i'm not hiding)
why don't you come pick me up,
(cause i've been waiting)
and carry me away
(come keep me safe)

so come break on me
so come drag me back
so come wash over me
so come pick me up
and carry me away


cause i was tossed,
and now i've turned,
i've been blind,
but now i've learned,
so please come rescue me
cause i'm done fighting for my breath
if you don't show up
i just might sink.

Testing, testing, one-two-three

you wanted us to be a lighthouse, 
but how will any ships be able to see,
if you just walked out on me,
TESTING TESTING one two three
what is the purpose of this one, this time?

the storm door is flung open wide,
and once it shuts it's over
the cold sea air is bringing chills down my spine,
and all i can see is the staircase i have to face alone again

TESTING TESTING one two three
is there anybody out there,
is there anything for me?
TESTING TESTING one two three
when the storm rolls in,
they always leave.
TESTING TESTING one two three
the tide is rising higher,
and the day is growing bleak,
TESTING TESTING one two three
by this time the sun is set,
and i can get these broken promises outta my head.

but i'll climb those stairs on my own,
with the candle burning bright,
cause who's gonna do it when they're said and gone
i'll point the light to those darkened seas,
i'll give up a life of love, so others can see,
testing testing one two three,
all i hope for is the strength that will carry me.

what consumes you?

A question was posed, "What do you put before God, or in place of God?"

I sat there thinking, really thinking about it...and to be honest I answered honestly.

I am making God my #1 priority, and I'm experiencing the responses to doing so.

I feel like I've been scared in the past of making God #1 because every time I try everything else gets stripped away, relationships quickly end, friends walk away, my finances get tested, and life just gets harder in general before it gets easier. So for a while I procrastinated in doing so. I lived a normal life, had boyfriends, had friends, had jobs, went to school, did church etc. you get the point.

But... (there's always a but) I got so sick of it.

So I would start off by trying to change individual situations, such as a church, or taking a semester off, or ending a relationship, or starting a new job. Things seemed to be good, and then I'd be right back at square one.

It wasn't until about two months ago that I really got sick of it all. I was in a dead-end relationship and secretly thought maybe one day it could turn around, I was putting everything in front of my relationship with God. And I had enough. I declared I wanted God to be #1, and just as usual everything seemed to fade away. 

Where am I at now?

Well, on the outside it looks like I have nothing going for me currently, but deep down I know I'm in a waiting situation. I am putting God first, and I have that peace.

I feel like people sometimes over glamorize everything with God. "Oh put him first and it all works!" Well, yes, but it takes work, it takes sacrifice, it takes commitment, it doesn't always happen overnight, and when those things get taken, or walk away, or treat you wrongly how are you gonna respond? In anger cause bad stuff is happening? Or in joy because God is using this all to bring him more glory. Put you actions where your mouth is. Make him number one, the longer you wait, the more junk you're gonna collect that you'll have to give away.

new blog + new chapter = new season

Well, I felt like it was time for change. For a fresh start, and with that I needed a fresh blog. It's almost as satisfying as opening a brand new journal and writing on the first page. It seems that I always write on the first page something like, "It's a brand new journal, brand new season!" and I get all excited, but then things turn out the same way they always do, and those little declarations of a new season turn out being bitter reminders of how jaded I can sometimes be.

However, I've said all that to say no longer!

I have literally had enough with my life thus far, with my experiences and just hoping things will turn around. I am now taking this seriously. I am so beyond done with living a so called "normal life." I am done settling for less than God's best for me in all areas of life. I have the utmost faith that this is in fact a new season, that God has totally swiped me from a potentially crippling path, and has placed me on a narrow one. That's why I absolutely love that picture with all the trees on top of this blog. 

Think about walking hand in hand with Jesus, secluded by all the green that surrounds. What would you talk about? What would he say? Where would you be walking to? Would you be focused on all your hang-ups? NO! You would just be staring straight into his eyes, saying, "Wherever you're off to, I'm not leaving your side! I'm coming with you!"

These are all the things I've been thinking about.

Where you go I'll go, God.

-Christie