I've spent my whole life dreaming of the man I will one day marry.
I've prayed countless prayers, cried numerous nights and wondered if he even existed. Deep down I knew he did, but I was terrified that he would never find me. I read countless books on dating and relationships. I also read books on being single for life (I prayed, "dear God no, this can't be me"...but I still wanted to stay open to all possibilities). I read some books that sucked and made me feel like God didn't have the time to care about such things. I read others that encouraged me and pointed me towards qualities to look for in a healthy relationship. I still questioned who my future husband would be, and when our story would begin.
I secretly hoped he would pursue me. I wanted to be wanted. I didn't think I would be though. I had a "list" of things that I was looking for but I wasn't tied down to it. After I turned 21 I was over the crap of dating. I decided to get focused on what I wanted in life and tried to pursue those things. Surrounded by friends in relationships I figured I'd be the spinster of the group. When my friends wanted to "set me up" I couldn't be bothered. I was focused this time.
A year and a half later I was still single. However, I was happy being myself for the first time. I just really desired someone to share my life with. Finally one of my close friends told his friend about me.
In the past few months things have changed drastically for me. I've experienced highs and lows like I never imagined. I've been promoted, pursued, succeeded in school, fell in love, physically debilitated and hospitalized by the most pestering headache of the century, disappointed, lost my job, frustrated, excited, proposed to, rehired, and on the recovery track. I've never felt so helpless and so reliant on others and God. I've talked about what it's like to lose control... to not be "in-charge" and I feel like I'm more relaxed than ever before. Yet there are still things that need to be learned. There are still things that I need to sift through and sort out in my heart.
I'm in a new season of my life. I'm recently engaged and planning out our wedding and marriage. I've always tried to be super independent and now I'm learning how to blend my life with his. There are times where he needs to make decisions and I need to support/back him. It's one of those times and it's not anything like I thought "submitting" would be. My entire life I've heard it preached in church that, "Wives must submit to their husbands.." I never realized though what that meant. Now, I'm not a wife yet, and I'm sure this is just the beginning, but submitting isn't easy. When you love someone you want the best for them, you want them to be safe, secure, protected, and happy. But, God doesn't promise that our lives will be pain free and effortless. When the person that you love is saying that they are going into a unknown situation, or potentially stressful and hard time you want to do everything to keep them from harm. It's frustrating knowing you won't be able to be there if they need you. But that's where the trust comes in.
I don't trust anyone like I trust Ian. I know that he has a deeply-rooted relationship with God. It's funny how what we perceive to be good for us may not be what shapes our character. We need God to come in, uproot us and throw us into crazy things. I know that he is risking it all right now but he's not risking me. We are in this together, we are committed, and that's not changing. I'm excited to see what God is going to do in our lives. We started out in a long distance relationship, spent the summer together, and now are faced with the distance again. This time is different though. We are both trying to pursue God, each other, and our marriage. My heart hurts without him by my side, but I know that this time will produce something strong and priceless. I've never longed to be with someone like I do now. God is molding our hearts for each other in circumstances that we'd prefer to be together in. Our story is already in process. We are already living out our lives and weaving them together.
One thing that we both realized is that we have stayed consistent. When you are initially interested in someone you daydream or wonder about them. Sometimes this builds up who the person really may be and they are already on a pedestal. This is a risky place to put someone. It also puts a lot of pressure on them to amount to your idea of them. I know I've done this in the past. However with Ian we both took each other for exactly who we are. He didn't make me out to be perfect (just a little shy from it...just kidding) and I didn't look to him as my savior. We had healthy expectations. I can confidently say that the guy I first talked to is exactly the same man I am preparing to marry. He's 100% honest, and genuine. I also learned how I carry myself. I'm amazed everyday that he loves me the way he does. It opened my eyes to a perspective of how Jesus feels towards us. There is passion, concern, love, commitment, and a healthy jealousy (but that's a completely separate blog entry).
