dress me in love.

Last night I picked out my wedding gown. It is absolutely beautiful and I cannot wait to wear it on our special day. My mom, sister and best friend were there for moral support. They encouraged me that I looked beautiful and I believed them. I felt beautiful and even got a little teary eyed. I was shocked by that.

This whole process is teaching me a lot about myself. Actually being with Ian has taught me a lot. Seeing the way that he looks at me, hearing the way he talks to me, and knowing the way he treats me it is obvious that this man is in love with me. I am head over heels for him and have never been so happy.

One thing that we both realized is that we have stayed consistent. When you are initially interested in someone you daydream or wonder about them. Sometimes this builds up who the person really may be and they are already on a pedestal. This is a risky place to put someone. It also puts a lot of pressure on them to amount to your idea of them. I know I've done this in the past. However with Ian we both took each other for exactly who we are. He didn't make me out to be perfect (just a little shy from it...just kidding) and I didn't look to him as my savior. We had healthy expectations. I can confidently say that the guy I first talked to is exactly the same man I am preparing to marry. He's 100% honest, and genuine. I also learned how I carry myself. I'm amazed everyday that he loves me the way he does. It opened my eyes to a perspective of how Jesus feels towards us. There is passion, concern, love,  commitment, and a healthy jealousy (but that's a completely separate blog entry).

weaving.

I've spent my whole life dreaming of the man I will one day marry.
I've prayed countless prayers, cried numerous nights and wondered if he even existed. Deep down I knew he did, but I was terrified that he would never find me. I read countless books on dating and relationships. I also read books on being single for life (I prayed, "dear God no, this can't be me"...but I still wanted to stay open to all possibilities). I read some books that sucked and made me feel like God didn't have the time to care about such things. I read others that encouraged me and pointed me towards qualities to look for in a healthy relationship. I still questioned who my future husband would be, and when our story would begin.


I secretly hoped he would pursue me. I wanted to be wanted. I didn't think I would be though. I had a "list" of things that I was looking for but I wasn't tied down to it. After I turned 21 I was over the crap of dating. I decided to get focused on what I wanted in life and tried to pursue those things. Surrounded by friends in relationships I figured I'd be the spinster of the group. When my friends wanted to "set me up" I couldn't be bothered. I was focused this time.


A year and a half later I was still single. However, I was happy being myself for the first time. I just really desired someone to share my life with. Finally one of my close friends told his friend about me.
 
In the past few months things have changed drastically for me. I've experienced highs and lows like I never imagined. I've been promoted, pursued, succeeded in school, fell in love, physically debilitated and hospitalized by the most pestering headache of the century, disappointed, lost my job, frustrated, excited, proposed to, rehired, and on the recovery track. I've never felt so helpless and so reliant on others and God. I've talked about what it's like to lose control... to not be "in-charge" and I feel like I'm more relaxed than ever before. Yet there are still things that need to be learned. There are still things that I need to sift through and sort out in my heart.

I'm in a new season of my life. I'm recently engaged and planning out our wedding and marriage. I've always tried to be super independent and now I'm learning how to blend my life with his. There are times where he needs to make decisions and I need to support/back him. It's one of those times and it's not anything like I thought "submitting" would be. My entire life I've heard it preached in church that, "Wives must submit to their husbands.." I never realized though what that meant. Now, I'm not a wife yet, and I'm sure this is just the beginning, but submitting isn't easy. When you love someone you want the best for them, you want them to be safe, secure, protected, and happy. But, God doesn't promise that our lives will be pain free and effortless. When the person that you love is saying that they are going into a unknown situation, or potentially stressful and hard time you want to do everything to keep them from harm. It's frustrating knowing you won't be able to be there if they need you. But that's where the trust comes in.

I don't trust anyone like I trust Ian. I know that he has a deeply-rooted relationship with God. It's funny how what we perceive to be good for us may not be what shapes our character. We need God to come in, uproot us and throw us into crazy things. I know that he is risking it all right now but he's not risking me. We are in this together, we are committed, and that's not changing. I'm excited to see what God is going to do in our lives.  We started out in a long distance relationship, spent the summer together, and now are faced with the distance again. This time is different though. We are both trying to pursue God, each other, and our marriage. My heart hurts without him by my side, but I know that this time will produce something strong and priceless. I've never longed to be with someone like I do now. God is molding our hearts for each other in circumstances that we'd prefer to be together in. Our story is already in process. We are already living out our lives and weaving them together.

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all i can say is i'm so happy and proud to say that i am insured by allstate because this is what i wanna see!

Bye Bye Boatie

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If you wanna buy a boat, buy this one please!

where on earth...

did all the time go?
how am i 23 today...crazy? yes.
best year ever.

jackpot!

i

I'm extremely excited that this is the man I get to read and write next to for the rest of my life. I mean just look at that!!!!

when it rains it pours, or your pool explodes?

My wonderful fiance Ian researched all the possible scenarios of what could cause my mysterious headache. He finally found something called sanguinarium (aka bloodroot). It is an herbal remedy that is for migraines fixated over the right eye. We drove to a natural supplement store and he bought it for me. Fifteen drops into a glass of water should do the trick. I drank it, and nothing happened. We were both so discouraged on Friday. We thought maybe, finally we had found something to help and it didn't respond when we expected it to.

Saturday morning our elderly neighbor was found dead in the kitchen. For the past seventeen years my mom has made this man every holiday meal, and myself or someone in our family would deliver it to him. He lived alone. He had no one, and that's the way he wanted it. Our entire family definitely felt the loss. This man was so caring, so kind, and filled with stories. He would invite us in and we would sit awkwardly on his couch as he would talk to us about anything. Just to have a conversation with someone. His eyesight deteriorated over the past few years so he was unable to read and obviously see very well. What does one do all day and night alone if you can't see? Now what's worse is all his stories, everything he experienced in his life died with him. He didn't have anyone to pass on his legacy. His life truly is gone. I felt regret. I always thought it would be interesting to sit with him and put his stories to paper. Life comes and goes when we least expect it though, and I never moved in on that idea. My idea died with him. It's such a loss.
 
After finding out about our neighbor I began writing a blog entry. I was talking about patience and lost patience writing it. I think that's pretty pathetic. For some reason though it wouldn't let me post, edit or paste anything. I quickly gave up. I was easily frustrated because the infamous headache. I was at my breaking point. I was completely exhausted from being in pain. This is as far as I wrote,
"The wheels keep turning.
I just want to go forward.
I'm frustrated because this is something I've been dealing with for over two months.
I just want peace.
I don't want anymore pain.
I want my energy back.
I want to be able to play music and not feel sick.
I need to get better.
It's time.
I've been patient..."

Frustrated, hurt, and in pain I decided to take a shower.
For some reason I communicate really well with God in the shower. I don't know if it's just because I can easily focus or if it's something more but this is a consistent place that we chat. I was having a conversation with God and throwing my worries and cares to him hoping he would lend some reasons or results. I have really come to terms with not just talking at God to get something out of him. I crave relationship. I need it more than anything. But, I also feel that during the past two months I've become very honest with myself, and the way I converse with God. It's important to me because I shouldn't have to put on a front. Mask aside I found myself scrubbing my scalp and pleading, "Please God, I'm so sick of this..." Now mind you, a lightning bolt didn't shoot into my head, (which is good because I would've been electrocuted, and it would've just been a nasty way to go...) but I realized that I wasn't in pain. For the first time in two months I wasn't in agony. I didn't have a sharp shooting pain going from the right to the left side of my head. I was free.

I finished up in the shower...still headache free. I couldn't believe it. I was nervous to tell Ian because I didn't want him to get his hopes up. As I told him his entire face lit up. He was so excited and it finally started to feel real to me. We prayed and let God know we were serious, we needed this to last. We both decided to watch one of the TV series we've been following and catching up on. My dad called down the stairs to us and asked us to come up. He sounded urgent and after everything that already happened I didn't know what to expect. As we made it upstairs he said to look out the window. To my horror our pool was exploded across my backyard. The guys chopped up the remaining pieces of my childhood pool and threw it in black garbage bags. I suddenly felt like no matter what I'm not in control. I don't mean this in a bad sense. I just sometimes try to fix things that are out of my reach. During this time I haven't been able to figure out the why and how and what is causing the headache. Maybe I'll never know. Maybe it's better that way. While my pool was ripped, chopped, and beat into the garbage I could only watch. My neighbor passed away leaving the water running in his kitchen for days, and I couldn't do a thing. As I lost my job, my school program and everything that I thought I needed I could only let go. Now I was pain free and things were still falling apart all around me. It's not my responsibility to keep the balance. I can only rely 100% on God, and do my best to love him and the other people around me. I don't know if this is the lesson that I was supposed to learn during this time, but I'm pretty excited that I'm walking away with something.