Saturday morning our elderly neighbor was found dead in the kitchen. For the past seventeen years my mom has made this man every holiday meal, and myself or someone in our family would deliver it to him. He lived alone. He had no one, and that's the way he wanted it. Our entire family definitely felt the loss. This man was so caring, so kind, and filled with stories. He would invite us in and we would sit awkwardly on his couch as he would talk to us about anything. Just to have a conversation with someone. His eyesight deteriorated over the past few years so he was unable to read and obviously see very well. What does one do all day and night alone if you can't see? Now what's worse is all his stories, everything he experienced in his life died with him. He didn't have anyone to pass on his legacy. His life truly is gone. I felt regret. I always thought it would be interesting to sit with him and put his stories to paper. Life comes and goes when we least expect it though, and I never moved in on that idea. My idea died with him. It's such a loss.
After finding out about our neighbor I began writing a blog entry. I was talking about patience and lost patience writing it. I think that's pretty pathetic. For some reason though it wouldn't let me post, edit or paste anything. I quickly gave up. I was easily frustrated because the infamous headache. I was at my breaking point. I was completely exhausted from being in pain. This is as far as I wrote,
"The wheels keep turning.
I just want to go forward.
I'm frustrated because this is something I've been dealing with for over two months.
I just want peace.
I don't want anymore pain.
I want my energy back.
I want to be able to play music and not feel sick.
I need to get better.
It's time.
I've been patient..."
Frustrated, hurt, and in pain I decided to take a shower.
For some reason I communicate really well with God in the shower. I don't know if it's just because I can easily focus or if it's something more but this is a consistent place that we chat. I was having a conversation with God and throwing my worries and cares to him hoping he would lend some reasons or results. I have really come to terms with not just talking at God to get something out of him. I crave relationship. I need it more than anything. But, I also feel that during the past two months I've become very honest with myself, and the way I converse with God. It's important to me because I shouldn't have to put on a front. Mask aside I found myself scrubbing my scalp and pleading, "Please God, I'm so sick of this..." Now mind you, a lightning bolt didn't shoot into my head, (which is good because I would've been electrocuted, and it would've just been a nasty way to go...) but I realized that I wasn't in pain. For the first time in two months I wasn't in agony. I didn't have a sharp shooting pain going from the right to the left side of my head. I was free.
I finished up in the shower...still headache free. I couldn't believe it. I was nervous to tell Ian because I didn't want him to get his hopes up. As I told him his entire face lit up. He was so excited and it finally started to feel real to me. We prayed and let God know we were serious, we needed this to last. We both decided to watch one of the TV series we've been following and catching up on. My dad called down the stairs to us and asked us to come up. He sounded urgent and after everything that already happened I didn't know what to expect. As we made it upstairs he said to look out the window. To my horror our pool was exploded across my backyard. The guys chopped up the remaining pieces of my childhood pool and threw it in black garbage bags. I suddenly felt like no matter what I'm not in control. I don't mean this in a bad sense. I just sometimes try to fix things that are out of my reach. During this time I haven't been able to figure out the why and how and what is causing the headache. Maybe I'll never know. Maybe it's better that way. While my pool was ripped, chopped, and beat into the garbage I could only watch. My neighbor passed away leaving the water running in his kitchen for days, and I couldn't do a thing. As I lost my job, my school program and everything that I thought I needed I could only let go. Now I was pain free and things were still falling apart all around me. It's not my responsibility to keep the balance. I can only rely 100% on God, and do my best to love him and the other people around me. I don't know if this is the lesson that I was supposed to learn during this time, but I'm pretty excited that I'm walking away with something.
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