We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. -Hebrews 6:19
It all started with my vision blurring, a shooting, sharp pain across my forehead, coupled with some lack of hearing and speech. Luckily the vision, hearing, and speech are all restored but I can't seem to shake this headache. Hospitalization, sleep, pills, homeopathic treatments, walking, cutting out caffeine, adding caffeine, resting, nothing seems to be working. 
They say it takes 21 days to form a habit. I think I've created a habit of being used to pain. The pain hasn't lessened but I am just responding to it as the "norm." I'm not saying this is a good "habit" or anything like that. But, in the past 3 weeks I've really been able to see where my priorities are, where I would spend most of my time, and what I really want. It's been 21 days and in the beginning I couldn't even have a light on. Now I am able to be out in the sun and not be completely blinded. I feel like my self-realization is gradually following the same format. When this first happened I was scared, upset, and annoyed that everything was put on hold. Now that I'm in the middle of this I am accepting the fact that I'm not in control. It's not easy but maybe the things I was running so hard after aren't exactly what I need to be doing. 
I feel like there is a shifting going on. I'm at a fork in the road and I'm waiting. For the first time I'm okay with being here. What i wanted before were healthy things, but I just don't see them fitting into my life now. Not only that but they have been taken away from me. It's a loss that I definitely feel. Before I take off running i want to make sure I run in the right direction. and then there's love. 
Normally I would be experiencing all this alone. This time is different. I have someone to pray for me, to back me up, to love me and take care of me. I've never had this before. as scary as this all has been, I have someone to be with. My heart is thrilled to have found someone that gets me, and loves me despite what I'm going through. It's been hard for me to be vulnerable and honest about my current situation. I ultimately want to that super energetic, ready for anything type of a person. I don't like asking for help or others having to see me in pain. This applies even more to those that I really care about. This time I was able to be myself though. That helps me realize even more that I am with who I should be. In the deepest parts of my heart I feel a peace. I've met my best friend, my partner, the one who I want to spend the rest of my life with. Through everything he has shown me what love really is. I'm confident that this won't be the first and last hard thing we will go through together, but I would rather have him by my side than anyone else.
I read a book a year ago about giving God the pen to your life story. The concept is awesome, giving the Author of Creation the pen to your life and asking Him to write your story. However, living it out is another thing. I think what I'm going through right now is just an example of that. The things that I wanted weren't wrong. The goals that I made were healthy. The dreams I had were good. But, they were more or less my dreams, my goals, my things. I think I need to stop thinking that I have it all figured out. I need to give God the pen back. I need to ask Him to write my future. I wish He wrote it in my blog.
